[ rl / mh / mute ] i don't do this very often but hhhh

occasionally something needs to be out so

i dunno this is almost certainly because it's late in the day and i fell asleep and napped at a weird time and slept most of the day so like.... didn't take meds until just now

also it's gloomy weather

and waves hands mother's day happened recently

and i still get emails "did you forget to buy something for mom"

like lol fuck you 1-800-flowers dot com or whoever the fuck

occasionally i bitch because occasionally the yawning abyss that is the isolation of my life is hmmmmm kind of a lot

and i know we've all been isolated but i'd been isolated for 3 years before the panini

and i am perhaps tired

things feel very idek uphill? like i'm constantly trying as hard as i can to ??? get people to like stuff ?? me ?? idek

this is not directed at anyone

i just don't feel like getting on twitter

does it matter which void i'm yelling into i don't think so it's lol all the same

i thought about sending my ex a message to see if he was gonna be playing mass effect and then i'm like what is even the point ? to poke someone every couple of months MAYBE to make small talk it's probably a bother and i'm not a part of his life anymore even if we've been on good terms

i got all excited the other day because a non-rp friend was omg yay gonna watch my anime i was so excited and then they started it and haven't said a word since so of course i'm now awkward and don't wanna ask because what if they hated it and then i'm gonna put them on the spot and they're clearly into other stuff anyway

maybe i'm just cursed lol
like no matter how nice i try to be to people or anything it's just like i dunno i'm destined to go along like this until i can't i guess because i can't like ?? make anyone really give a shit and it's apparently a me problem and not anyone else's problem because the common denominator is right here

anyway i should just fuckin delete this because it's pathetic

i just hate being in this stupid cycle endlessly where i miss my mother but i'm also pissed off eternally because i'm probably the way i am because of her and shit sucks

like is it better to have abusive, controlling, helicopter "love" than nothing? unsure

I will beat you up gently everyone feels sad or isolated or so on sometimes. You're a good egg, Min. Sometimes you just need to get the feelings out.

lol but i'm not really exaggerating though the only person i see like every few weeks or something if he needs me to read a document for him is my dad but otherwise the only people i see are strangers when i leave the house and that's been the case since... 2017

no one ever phones that's not a scammer which is true about emails too unless it's tags

i think i do pretty ok all things considered but it's like it's been worse than usual lately

and sometimes it really is like what are they doing that i'm not doing because i can't figure it out and trying to adjust my personality to suit everyone is just so exhausting

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad Min. I've always felt invisible except with family and close friends and sometimes I still think that I'm doing something wrong. If it helps, I love talking to you and I'm really glad I met you.

it does help! and i have enjoyed what we've been doing lately a lot! these moods tend to come on like thunderstorms and rumble and be ugly and then like idek just go away

big pisces bullshit right there

yay! I'm glad!