[polyamory] today in polyamory talk: the paralyzing dynamic, especially in queer setups, of "if I tell you I have feelings for you and you don't reciprocate them, you might assume that I am not okay remaining platonic friends and distance yourself from me altogether" which is a reality myself and so many of my polyam friends know too well
and it's like, there's not really any avoiding it, because people have very good reasons to be wary? often they HAVE dealt with someone who couldnt handle the boundary
and polyam friendos cant be like "hey if you dont like me back feel free to forget this ever happened but I think you are so great and cute and we connect well!! i enjoy this! we can keep this going with a name if you would like or we can stay at this level and you can forget this ever happened!!" bc memories dont work like that
and sometimes people are just more comfortable with monogamy than polyamory even if they do like you back, and THATS smart, like if you know you arent ok with a partner bein polyam, u shouldnt go into that
i think it has happened to me in recent years but I dont know if the distance was actually because I said something or just inconvenient timing during a life transition, THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW but it has happened to most people i know
Yeah, what I see of polyam in fiction is often very idealized and just...does not reflect my own real life experiences and I'd very much like to see more I can actually relate to on a personal level.
Like what you open this plurk with! Holy shit, we've been together like four years now and I still often think about how close to tears I was when I was admitting my feelings to my now-partner, for that very reason.
i actually have initiated very FEW relationships because of this same thing and because like, as a dude, there is even more expectation that I wont be chill about a rejection because Men have a real bad track record with being turned down (v reasonable)
YEAH at least in that case i would rather they make that change if it was better for them whether or not i intended them to feel like they needed to? because we sort of just grew apart. but as an older, more knowledgeable min i hope i can communicate like hEY WE'RE COOL hhh
i believe that everyone, even the people i've had very bad problems with in the past, is always capable of improvement and growth.... everybody can be their better selves every day
yeah, it's a big reason I never confessed the crush I had in college. I knew he didn't reciprocate so there was no point and I didn't want to ruin the friendship
"honestly i'm not asking you to be exclusive or potentially even for reciprocity, i just want to be open about my affection for you toward you because i think you deserve affection"
IT'S NOT AN EXCLUSIVE VIBE, just, it both feels silly because it's not a "here be mine forever" thing but then is also serious because like, that can still be a valid boundary for folks nonetheless
that's actually one of the issues i wanna write about with Julien's canon because Darkest Dungeon is full of very not idealized characters working through their issues
in fact, when they first confess their feelings to Margaret, she's like, "actually, i'd rather we just remain friends" and Julien is like "cool" and has to go sort out their feelings in private so it doesn't look like they are getting mad about being friendzoned because that's never a good look
they're just feeling sad because being rejected is never a good feeling, but they honestly value Margaret's friendship above everything else, so they just deal with it
but then it turns out the reason Margaret rejected them first off was because they thought Julien was being insincere with their feelings, since she's got some baggage with a shitty ex she's working through, but she really does actually like Julien
which makes sense!!! i realize not everyone is able to contextualize it that way and that is fine but we have a million romcoms where theres that defining moment of the characters being like I CANT DO 'JUST FRIENDS' and so few where it's like 'just friends is fine actually, let's stay healthy'
yeah, and it's also hard to not, like, always default to the woman doing the emotional labor of letting the guy down gently, because that's another trope that gets done to death in media that's kinda... not great
it kinds dovetails with your previous discussions about how polyam folks can definitely experience feelings of jealousy, but what's important is how they express their feelings and deal with them in a not toxic way
YEAH.. like it's not that polyamorous people don't experience jealousy but rather it is a requirement to process it in a healthy way if you want successful polyamorous relationships
every polyam i know: [constant internal screaming]
if you know you arent ok with a partner bein polyam, u shouldnt go into that
but it has happened to most people i know
but also, i bromise i can like u without being a creep