Eyebot
[boring/mute/life crap]
Eyebot
When Covid and shit is all over, if it's possible, I might seriously consider seeking a diagnosis of ADHD. I mean, I can't say for sure whether I have something without proper testing and diagnosis, but I'm ... reasonably sure it's the case.
Eyebot
I don't even know what I'd do with being able to official put a name to how I am, but I feel like it would help, somehow.
Eyebot
It would certainly make sense if that was the issue. It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that I'm desperately unmotivated to do something I find personally boring. Something I like? I can spend hours on it, to the exclusion of all else. I'll be working on something I'm engrossed in and look up to find six hours have passed, I'm starving and desperate for the
Eyebot
loo.
Eyebot
Ask me to do something I'm disinterested in and it's ... almost physically painful sometimes to get it done, if I can push myself to it at all. But at the same time, if I have a number of tasks I need or even WANT to do, I find myself unable to choose/decide which I want to do and stall. Immobilised by indecision.
Eyebot
And I know this is a problem but rationalising it doesn't make it something I can magically just get over.
Eyebot
Sometimes even stuff I want to do will be a fucking choooore to me and won't get done. I want to write? Urgh... but it's ... hard. Then I'll get sidetracked by instant-gratification shit like scrolling or watching something, or listening to a book and drawing even though I want to write.
Eyebot
So I'll give up, go to bed and as soon as I'm laying there with no distractions at all, the urge returns. It's really frustrating.
Eyebot
I have an issue with time. I always have.
Eyebot
Not only is my timekeeping atrocious (which may or may not be due to dyscalculia as much as anything else) but I think it's because I have three times I can deal with.
Eyebot
Now. 800 years ago. 800 years into the future.
Eyebot
And no inbetween.
Eyebot
I struggle to do things if I have an appointment or engagement or commitment at a certain time later in the day. I have to be at work at 1:30? My morning's fucked, I can't do anything. It's void time.
Eyebot
I forget where I put things, I forget words I use ALL THE TIME because when I need them, they exit my brain and yet I have a wide vocabulary otherwise. When I'm put on the spot, everything just ... seizes up and disappears.
Eyebot
(Potatoes have, in the past, been referred to as 'ground eggs' in this vein and enemy hideouts in RDO? 'nasty man houses')
Eyebot
Just to get the point across when I forget a stupid word. XD
Eyebot
I can be doing something quite happily, but the moment I get interrupted, it's abandoned. The moment's gone. Can't do it any more, need to get into the zone again, which could be weeks from then.
Eyebot
I make lists to tell me what I need to do, but the very act of making a list paradoxically makes me feel like I've achieved something, gives me that pat on the head I need from a completed job, and makes it hard for me to work the list itself.
Eyebot
I find myself absolutely unable to tune out distractions. Half a phonecall I can hear someone having, an irritating bird outside, music I hate. Likewise, I can't ignore sounds that irritate me, like people chewing, humming, whistling. Cats meowing.
Eyebot
I also discovered that my approach to friendship can come under 'typical for people with ADHD' and is related to how I perceive time.
Eyebot
I don't experience relationship degradation.
Eyebot
I could have spoken to you yesterday, or three years ago. I still view you the same. I assume we're still the same to each other. The relationship we had hasn't degraded in the intervening time, be it months or years.
Eyebot
I can pick up where I left off quite easily, but most people don't.
Eyebot
I'm not physically hyperactive, but I'm mentally hyperactive, it's why I find boredom intolerable. It's why I'll talk to uninterested people about my interest of the moment at the slightest provocation. I get excited about things I enjoy, so I'll bore you with them, sorry.
Eyebot
I used to be excitable when I was a kid, but after being shut down a lot in my childhood, I ... stopped. Or did for the most part, anyway. I try to keep a lid on it.
Eyebot
One particular instance stands out, and really irritates me even 30 years later.
Eyebot
It's just... all this shit makes it difficult to ... not function, as such. But ... get shit done, get on top of things.
Eyebot
I want to do stuff. But ... sometimes it's easier to do something that occupies my brain and hands at once, like gaming, or drawing + audiobook, than do something actually productive.
Eyebot
Work is a chore, because I'm both inattentive to some stuff that I should concentrate on, but wildly eagle-eyed towards less important shit. There's half a wall that needs to be filled? Sure, but there's these over here missing prices...
Eyebot
I'll notice a wrong price, or a shoe out of place, but keep forgetting to fill a shelf for days.
Eyebot
It's why our old AM used to annoy me. "Do this task." "Okay, sure." "Actually, do this one." "I'm doing the other one." "Okay, do it after. Hey, this also needs doing."
Eyebot
BITCH YOU'RE FUCKING WITH MY ABILITY TO PRIORITISE.
Eyebot
I have to write down instructions, or instruction orders in order to get stuff done, because I will not retain that information when told it once.
Eyebot
I can tell you the order of Targaryen royalty, from Aegon the Conqueror to Aerys the Mad, no issue, but ... where did you want me to put those sandals again?
Eyebot
It's not like any if this is new.
Eyebot
Every childhood school report read the same -- "Has the ability, could try harder."
Eyebot
Allllll of them. Except Maths, which was never in the realm of my ability regardless of how hard I 'tried'.
Eyebot
When I was a kid, ADHD wasn't really diagnosed in anyone. Furthermore, the stereotype of ADHD is a hyperactive little boy, bouncing off the walls, being disruptive and generally a little jackass.
Eyebot
It apparently presents very differently in AFAB people.
Eyebot
Unmotivated, withdrawn, daydreams, forgetful, disorganised, shy, 'careless' mistakes, often late, verbally impulsive, doodles.
Eyebot
That's every single one of my school reports, right there.
Eyebot
It would probably benefit me to get this looked at by a professional. It's always all been an issue, but it's been easier to dismiss as 'Oh, I'm lazy' or whatever, but these lockdowns have made me really wonder, especially when I've had the free time to spend how I want, doing stuff without work getting in the way. I'm no better without the work distraction.
Null
Yeah, it would totally benefit you.
Null
Even if it's not ADHD, there are other things it might be.
Eyebot
Yup! I initially suspected just ... depression, but I'm not sure about that, given all the other shit.
Nika
Huh, yeah, that sounds worth looking into, yeah!
Nika
(also UGH I feel you on the "if I have to Do A Thing at any point in the day, my entire morning is fucked" thing)
Nika
also depression or depression-like stuff is often a secondary symptom of other things, I think? Like, you have problems due to ADHD and that makes you unhappy and unmotivated and depressed-like, that sounds pretty plausible
Sun Pumpkin
At the very least, maybe it will help point you towards coping strategies?
Sun Pumpkin
Also, that’s interesting to me about the friend thing, I am the same way, I have never known why
Eyebot
Yeah, it's kind of weird!
Atrollpa
Fun fact: Unidentified, unmanaged, and untreated ADD/ADHD in adolescence often develops into depression and anxiety in adulthood. Hence why it got brought up as possible a root cause of my mental malfunctions.
Atrollpa
So it's possible ranging to likely that you're in the same boat.
Eyebot
That's not fun... it's the opposite of fun. :C
Nika
welp, yeah, that sounds pretty plausible
Atrollpa
Well... interesting, then. But we have so many similarities in this area that it would not be a surprise.
Eyebot
Yeah, that's true enough.
Nika
Yeah. And, y'know, it sort of good if multiple problems turn out to have the same reason instead of being totally separate, because then maybe they'll be easier to fix all at once?
Eyebot
That's a good point. 8|a