[relationships] [anxiety-ish] one downside to producing tears with practically every emotion is that people think you're sad when you're angry

especially when it's completely irrational and misplaced anger, but my boyfriend considered staying home from work because his back hurt (which meant he'd spend most of the day asleep while I worked) and I ended up fighting tears

and all I could tell him was that it was anger and completely irrational, because there's no good way to say "right now I hate you because you keep calling out from a job you hate and sleeping the day away right next to me"

but he left to try to work, so we'll see

and a huge part of my aggressive feelings right now are because my period is taking its own sweet fucking time to arrive, so there's all that on top

but I just keep slamming into the wall of "until he gets a new job, we can't live together on our own" and it just drives me to fucking tears

I hate it

we've been dating for nearly four years

we are in our 30s

we should be able to live together and not in his fucking mom's house with his fucking senile stepfather

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I hate that I'm shuffled back and forth like a kid between homes

I hate that I feel like a burden on my inlaws

I hate that I'm trapped in this stupid fucking messy room that's messy because all my boyfriend's shit is in it because he doesn't have a closet

I just fucking hate where I am right now and I have zero fucking control over it changing

and I've been at the end of my rope for about a month

and, I admit, I'm worried that he'll get fired from his current job, if he keeps not going in at seemingly random