[mh][cw depression]

what are you supposed to do when everything is terrible and you feel useless as a human and trapped and there doesn't seem to be any way out

i feel like i'm losing the will to keep putting one foot in front of another

because nothing gets better it just gets worse

i feel like a replacable screwup and i've been trapped in a very long tunnel for a very long time and whenever it starts to seem like there's a light at the end there's a cavein instead and i drop down another 30 levels and break my legs and just

man i'm hitting the point of just what's the point

what's the point of keeping crawling along with broken legs and arms 200 feet underground and nothing ever works and nothing ever matters and nothing i do is going to make a difference and nothing has made a difference and i, myself, am just a tiny insignificant part of a much larger uncaring heartless machine that is perfectly willing to crush me and just

move on

any contributions i make could be made by someone else and be made better and faster and not by someone with broken legs trapped in an abandoned mineshaft so just what's the point

i'm really not asking for answers or solutions because i don't really believe there are any anymore

it's been so long of fighting for one and it just

never works

ultimately everything i ever try seems to fall just a little short and it just seems like my fault every time

if I bothered finishing anything, ever, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation, but I can't do anything myself and I just keep on leaning on everyone else for support and that's really not fair to them either

my mom does so much for me but she has so much else that she needs to do and it's not fair how much I ask of her because I can't get it together myself

and things just keep coming

and i can't keep making other people do everything to take care of me and more keeps happening

cause i can never manage to figure things out myself and actually take care of something for once in my life

i float along depending on others for everything and making myself a burden to everyone for that reason

it's what i'm doing now, even

i'm going to make people here worry about me and try to take care of me and i'm sorry for that too because it's useless because nothing works, and i've been in that place where you try to take care of someone and nothing you do ever works for them, and you can't help

and it's awful

and here I am doing it

at least I'm not as bad as she was i guess

but that's just me drowning, with weights tied to my ankles, and no matter how long i try to tread water i still keep sinking, and there's nothing that seems to be able to just at least take the weights off, so instead other people have to hold me up too, and that tires them out when they shouldn't be

i'm so tired all the time

I know you said you're not looking for answers, but I really hope you can talk to someone about this, even if it's a hotline or something. you're a good person and you're cared about. I just wanted you to know that.

thank you

i've just had a really hard day. and week, month, year, and decade but

the day i think is what hit the hardest right now

and I do want to say that tho I'm not looking for someone to solve things I do really appreciate you saying you care. it helps, tho I'm sorry if I'm worrying you or anything

/hugs

I dont have any answers but I do understand and I care about you a lot

ya know what really adds insult to injury in the whole wretched affair is when you can't stop crying the moisture and salt irritates your eyelids and around your eye and then your eyes hurt too