-ish? I guess? More on the job search side of things, which should really be a cw of its own, but I digress
Zilla Fieri
[mute] -ish? I guess? More on the job search side of things, which should really be a cw of its own, but I digress
-ish? I guess? More on the job search side of things, which should really be a cw of its own, but I digress
Zilla Fieri
Mom's nudged me towards online applications to be a Tracer, which, if I'm being honest, is Cyberpunk as fuck and I love it for that alone
Zilla Fieri
Theoretically it's the kind of work I can do, which my broken ass being able to stay home while also keeping tabs on where infected people have been and helping prevention by doing that and whatever
Zilla Fieri
Sounds promising
Zilla Fieri
....Why am I having trouble filling out page one of the application
Zilla Fieri
Job applications have always been stressful for me, but looking at one now is just...
Zilla Fieri
It's setting off so many alarms in my head
Zilla Fieri
Not because of the job itself. General apprehension, one to many bad experiences with jobs, the looming doubt of ever being able to function like an adult
Zilla Fieri
Sometimes I just feel paralyzed
Zilla Fieri
I aggressively want to do nothing sometimes not out of a lack of desire, but...at this point, I guess it's fear
Zilla Fieri
I've been burned way too many times and it's left me at a point where I just...don't want to do anything anymore
Zilla Fieri
I want to be left alone
Zilla Fieri
But I can't do that. Not if I want to survive
Zilla Fieri
I know part of that is on me for making little progress elsewhere. Haven't applied for food stamps, haven't done that produce thing mom kept telling me about...I tried to see a psychiatrist again, but they won't do over the phone appointments and I'm apprehensive about going down there for an in-person appointment
Zilla Fieri
And I don't think I can do disability without a therapist
Zilla Fieri
So here I am, looking at this job application and having to pull away from it every other minute so I'm not overwhelmed with bad thoughts
Zilla Fieri
And this is after sis scolded me for eating her cereal because it's the only one we have that doesn't have nuts in it
Zilla Fieri
And to think maybe a week ago, she told me I didn't have to limit what I eat according to what others eat.
Zilla Fieri
Ha. Hahahahaha. Hahaha.
Zilla Fieri
Fucking hell, I'm depressed
Zilla Fieri
(I don't blame her for wanting to keep a cereal she can safely eat to herself, but in my defense, she brought back a box of the same cereal from her work-related apartment in hopes that someone would eat it and it wouldn't go to waste)
Zilla Fieri
I'm a mess, I only made it this far because mom tolerates me and I can at least acknowledge that we're not good for each other and I'm able to accept my own faults in that regard
Zilla Fieri
I don't know how the fuck I'm going to survive from this point onward and that terrifies me.
Zilla Fieri
My thoughts are going a little all over the place as I try to focus enough on this job app, so pardon that
Snugglewolf
god that sucks /loves on the riki lots
Snugglewolf
feel free to bug me if you need to talk an ear off, yeah?
Snugglewolf
Zilla Fieri
Yeah, definitely. I'm fucking terrible at getting on voice chats, but text is a lot easier for me to manage
Zilla Fieri
oh look at that, this app actually lists depression and anxiety under disabilities. I'm sorely tempted to say yes, I have one just for that
DʀᴀɢɴHᴏᴍᴇᴏᴘᴀᴛʜʏ
Hngh
DʀᴀɢɴHᴏᴍᴇᴏᴘᴀᴛʜʏ
Riki :c
penis bacon
Zilla Fieri
: then say yes. what are they gonna do, call the cops police because you don't have a neurodivergence license
penis bacon
(they are not going to do that, I assure you)
Zilla Fieri
May as well. Even if I can't get disability or don't have any bullshit cards that say I'm mentally fucked up, there's no denying how mentally fucked up I am to not admit it
Zilla Fieri
App done, that was fucking excruciating
Zilla Fieri
Can that be my one productive thing for the day, I feel drained and overwhelmed all at the same time
Awe
yes, it can
Awe
good job finishing your application!
MindEvaporator
you did the best you could and you just need to judge by what you're able to do and you did what you were able to do under the circumstances 