Jessie
[health/mute] cws for body horror and cancer-y bits
Jessie
but okay so as I lie in bed awake
Jessie
radiation sure has been a thing
Jessie
I feel like I've mentioned how weird it is to have the world be increasingly like "NEVER SEE DAYLIGHT AGAIN" and yet still have to get in my car and go to the hospital every day
Jessie
but also I am mostly convinced that there is a zombie outbreak occurring in my skin right now and that I am patient zero for a different kind of pandemic 
Jessie
like OKAY SO THIS IS GONNA BE GROSS but it needs to come out
Jessie
basically I have been sticking my boob in a microwave every day for the last six weeks
Jessie
but it's not just the boob - it's like the whole torso quadrant
Jessie
from the shoulder to the ribcage p much
Jessie
and so my armpit has recently been like "NAH MAN I'M DONE FUCK OFF
Jessie
last week the skin started going all gray and weird and then this week it would just like. come off in the shower. like. Jeff goldblum in the fly peeling off his fingernails
Jessie
and like. I did the chemo thing, I went through the whole "oh ok pulling out clumps of hair this is fine" part in full because I am the kind of person who likes to experience things in full
Jessie
but when your skin is just peacing out from the rest of your body it's this moment of "THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A THING THAT HAPPENS"
Jessie
and it feels weird to complain about this part in light of all the other parts, but I'm at a point where it's like. it's coming up on a year and I'm just ready for things to stop
Jessie
and the world is /GESTURES AT THE WORLD
Jessie
so there's also this sense of like WHAT ARE YOU BITCHING ABOUT THIS IS NOTHING
dragillionaire
oh no that would freak me out too
dragillionaire
like way more than the hair.
Jessie
a doctor today was like "after you finish next week DONT YOU DARE GO OUTSIDE" and gave me this strongly-worded speech about taking things seriously. but also I hate throwing pity parties for myself?
Jessie
dragillionaire
: IT'S SO FUCKING WEIRD
Jessie
like hair is just hair whatever
dragillionaire
I feel like thanks to Lifetime movies we expect the hair loss? and know it's coming? and also hair is cosmetic.
Jessie
but like BODIES TEND TO NEED TO BE IN ONE PIECE
dragillionaire
skin tho. that's the shit that keeps things inside you....
Jessie
lol RIGHT
dragillionaire
THAT'S THE BARRIER THAT SEPARATES YOU FROM THE WORLD. skin no....
dragillionaire
have you been able to talk to a doctor about it? is tgis.... to be expected?
Jessie
man suddenly I'm thinking of that old childrens show with the dude who was inside out so he could teach kids about their bodies
dragillionaire
oh God I remember that now too
Jessie
Jessie
the hero we deserve
gσσ∂ συт нєяє
Jessie
but yes! it's expected - and apparently it took longer to happen to me than most?
gσσ∂ συт нєяє
chemo can do a lot of weird things, but yeah the skin thing would wig anyone out I think
Jessie
like you can only bake yourself for so long before you start to overcook
dragillionaire
okay. an expected side effect. still..... phew yeah that would bother me a lot. I don't blame you for being freaked whatsoever
Jessie
oh and I might also be having some symptoms of lymphedema except nobody can check that without having physical therapy people monitor me for a few weeks and that whole wing is closed? so. that's fine.
Jessie
just gonna play "is that the start of growing a giant elephant limb or am I just getting a little arm chub"
Jessie
n...no stress. :|
gσσ∂ συт нєяє
keep contact with your doctor if you can?
keep contact with your doctor if you can?
Jessie
yeah I've seen all the doctors this week. most of them virtually thougg
Jessie
so it's hard to be like "TOUCH THIS THING AND TELL ME IF I SHOULD PANIC" when nobody is willing to touch anything
gσσ∂ συт нєяє
fair
Jessie
MAYBE SOMEDAY
Jessie
the next phase is hormone medication. ideally there would be something that would just require getting shots every couple of months but LOL EVERYTHING'S CLOSED so they prescribed me something harsher that was available in pill form instead
Jessie
side effects are mood swings and flashes of sadness and anger and I was just like "I call that a regular Tuesday how is that different"
Jessie
after a lifetime of going "man your estrogen levels are kind of low, we should fix that", science is doing a full 180 and demanding that the estrogen valve is turned off completely. good times pending
Jessie
I apologize in advance for whatever bridges I burn three months from now
hobbats
best of luck
Jessie
thanks ;-;
Jessie
THIS WILL PASS AND I WILL HEAL but sometimes I need to whine about it until I feel silly about bringing it up in the first place
Vecna Bait
I keep trying to respond to this. But everything always feels so trite from me in these situations. Definitely you should vent when you need to. That all sounds pretty creepy. And I have yet to hear anything good about the treatment part, other than it's worth it in the end when the person is still living.
Vecna Bait
So, hoping the best for you in getting through this. And then the recovery part.
𝐭𝐬𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐭
we might not be able to do much by distance but we're here to support you whenever you need to scream into the void
we might not be able to do much by distance but we're here to support you whenever you need to scream into the void
hobbats
you shouldn't feel silly; this is a tough thing to go through and the world right now is making it tougher. but you've got this.
oshi oh no
honestly if you EVER need to vent or be super aggressive, just dm me. this is a tough thing and you aren't going to burn a bridge with me at this point, and if that's what i can do to support you then by ALL MEANS
Jessie
THESE ARE ALL VERY SWEET THINGS thank you all
Jessie
oshi oh no
: but also debs AS IF you dont know about it the moment I'm aggro about literally anything
oshi oh no
I KNOW i'm just sayin ok
oshi oh no
i know i always immediately know but if bad brain happens just use this as permission to do it even with the bad brain
oshi oh no
i know how you are when you're aggro anyway so it doesn't scare me lol
Jessie
I flip tables AROUND you but never AT you because that would be like murdering a bunny and I am not a monster
I flip tables AROUND you but never AT you because that would be like murdering a bunny and I am not a monster
e(Liz)a
We're here for you my friend. <3 Although eugh that is not a side effect you hear a lot about. XD
Jessie
yeah people dont talk enough about the gross shit
☼ zinnia
agreeing with what's been said - i wish i could say something more on point, but however you need to be supported, i'll be here. this is a lot to go through!!
Jessie
on tv people are all fainting around wearing beautiful headscarves and being ivory pale and then it's like "NAH FAM you get weird eczema and the knowledge of what sound your eyelids make when there are no eyelashes to stop them from sticking together"
Jessie
also eyelids make the grossest fucking noise I'm glad that only happened for like two weeks I would have gone fucking nuts
Jessie
when people would ask offline I would usually be like "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY VAGINA" because YO weirdest nonconsentual brazillian wax of my life
Jessie
oh oh other tmi nobody mentions: radiation makes my nipple so perky? like that girl is ready for a night out
Jessie
and like dude nothing sexy is happening -- when I was doing my taxes my boob thought it was the sexiest fucking thing
Jessie
down girl it's okay it's just a little lasering
e(Liz)a
😂
e(Liz)a
😂