LiberBEARian
[relationship bullshit] .-. mrr.
LiberBEARian
I ran at the gym pretty hard today and fucked up one of my knees.
LiberBEARian
Came home, we're changing into pjs
LiberBEARian
Me: (stumbles on bad knee with a yelp) Ow.
LiberBEARian
Sergio: (doesn't move or say anything)
LiberBEARian
Me: ....Cripes, man.
LiberBEARian
Sergio: What?
LiberBEARian
Me: You don't ask me how I am or if I'm okay or offer to help?
LiberBEARian
Sergio: You were going to the bed to lie down and that's the thing that would fix it so you didn't need my help?
LiberBEARian
Me: (agitated, making Sergio agitated) No, dude. No, come on. Cripes.
LiberBEARian
Sergio: (frustrated) what?
LiberBEARian
Me: I'm like. In a lot of pain here. And it hurts, and I don't like it when you ignore it.
LiberBEARian
Sergio: But I can't do anything to fix it and you seem like you had it handled.
LiberBEARian
Me: Even if I did have it handled, I need you to ask me if I'm okay. Or offer to help or to empathize with me a little
LiberBEARian
Sergio: I don't know how to do that!
LiberBEARian
Me: Okay, let me...fuck, okay, ow. Well let me say if your mom was suddenly banging into a piece of furniture or something, I'd ask her if she was okay. I'd go over to her and offer to bring her a chair. Even if she says no, that's still empathizing. You giving me the signal to let me know you see me and you hear me is how that kind of makes me feel better.
LiberBEARian
Sergio: Okay
LiberBEARian
Me: Are you okay?
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Sergio: I just feel like I should know these things by now.
LiberBEARian
Me: It's okay. We're learning about them now. Everyone handles pain differently and when I'm in pain, even if it doesn't make sense for you to do so, I need you to ask me if I'm okay.
LiberBEARian
Sergio: Got it. (nod)
LiberBEARian
Just chilling out now but oww. Cripes.
Cmdr.Crackers
aaaw if it would make him feel better to know, i've had to have a similar talk with alex too
LiberBEARian
It might! He might also get a bit embarrassed, he thinks it's an autistic thing but I swear it's a dude thing
Cmdr.Crackers
it's a dude thing honestly
Cmdr.Crackers
with me having fibro i'm in pain a lot and he told me he didn't know what to do since he can't help me
Cmdr.Crackers
so i just told him to tell me 'that sucks' and maybe pat my back. show just a bit of attention to me so i feel heard. don't worry about fixing it
Cmdr.Crackers
it really helped, he's been really good about it since we cleared that up
Cmdr.Crackers
i just think all his life he was told men fix things so he just didn't know what to do if he couldn't
Cmdr.Crackers
as long as you guys keep talking it out you'll be okay
undrwo
I've got some very light spectrum stuff as well and have this characteristic in spades, so it might be a both thing
undrwo
But if it helps him to know, you can learn how to do it, like picking up any kind of habit.
undrwo
If it helps you at all- I think from me it comes from a place of backwards kindness? Like when something is bad or stressful and just has to be Borne Up Under and can't be fixed, the sympathetic interventions of other people are more stress. As a hardcore introvert and it's just like 'now you have to both cope with this pain and handle this person'
undrwo
Like a chew gum and walking thing. It took me a weirdly long time to mechanically learn that other people's needs aren't my needs and I should be kind to people who are in distress.
undrwo
Good on you two though for communicating through different takes!
Cmdr.Crackers
^yeah. it's seriously a myth that you'll just know everything about each other just because you're so close. you'll always be learning and growing in that and that's OKAY
LiberBEARian
Yeah definitely. I know he cares about me and I'm trying to help him with moods and stuff
LiberBEARian
But that makes sense!
LiberBEARian
I keep telling him that I don't expect him to magically know my moods
Ptriciadactyl
yeah, I think it's a conversation (or several) about expectations, because when I'm in pain I want sympathy if I'm actually whining about it but I usually want to not manage other people's feelings if I'm bearing up silently. Maybe have another chat when you're not exhausted and in pain.
Ptriciadactyl
It's hard to predict or verbalize needs when you run into different communication approaches! You have a right to ask for the support you need, it's just not going to always be intuitive for him because his needs and expectations are different. He'll improve more the clearer you can be about what you need.
spooky queer
you should share that book i got you with him, the art of empathy
spooky queer
it’s good bc it has examples of scenarios
LiberBEARian
I am going to do this yess
spooky queer
\o/
spooky queer
i remember i got it for you when you were struggling with joanne’s bs so maybe you can tell him about that
LiberBEARian
nice! Yeah def