so one of my biggest stressors is the fear of death, specifically the fear of no longer existing, in totality, despite my brain's shitty desire to end it all
it wants to constantly be like, hey think about how bad it is!! think about how you'll never get to experience joy again when you die! Think about how things are finite and nothing matters!
like, when i have the facilities to think it all through clearly, then I can decide what makes most sense. I need to stop trying to rationalize everything righ tnow and just accept that I have to wait on my answers
I know this isn't the only way I can feel. There has to be a way where everything i think about doesn't make me want to cry because i won't have it forever
honestly while i dont encourage hoarding or anything, as someone with that exact fear and memory problems via brain damage to boot, i've started collecting small mementos of anything i feel is too finite for me... even if it's something small and silly like "a penny i picked up while at the beach" or something like that, it helps a surprising amount
my desk is a little cluttered but it's nice being able to pick up something as small as that and remember what it was from and what it's for and what it means yknow
they're usually so cheap that people can buy me one or two of the mystery toys i like and i can attribute them to them, and I don't feel like i'm hoarding because I can put them away into all the multi-compartment boxes I have when they aren't on display
ive got a lot of little plushes and i could tell you where i got each and every one of them cause they're important to me... toys are just physical joy with special attachment, imo, especially when they're gifts!!
even the things that were given to me by people who aren't a good part of my life anymore, i still have them and appreciate them bc they're a memory of a kind gesture
it's literally like. I was playing with my pokemon and my brain was like "You know they don't matter, right? You know in 60 years no one will care what pokemon you had or how important they were to you? You know that when you die, their memories will die with you?"
anxiety and depression don't play nice with logic!!! they never have... i struggle with it a lot myself tbh, even calming myself down and reminding myself that it's against logic completely doesn't always help
(though i will say that if you care about pokemon well into your mid-late twenties, there's every chance you'll care about it in sixty years, too; think about all the little old people still into super man and stuff!!)
i've been dreading my next birthday because i'm irrationally afraid I"ll die at 27 and that's why i've been trying to take better measures to actually get my health in order...
I... HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN FEELING THAT TOO my brain told me when i was like fourteen that i wont live past twenty and that popped up earlier this year like "what if that meant 2020" and it's. hmmm. anxiety sure does exist and is a thing
idk if you want me to chime in bc we only just met, but I have 110% been where you are and now I'm 31 and managing my depression and anxiety (fairly) well. and one thing that helped me when I was in my mid twenties and suicidal was keeping a little notebook in which I would write everything that made me happy,
I appreciate any input tbh! It's kind of you to offer your thoughts. I keep thinking I'll do something like that.... I'm not very good at keeping notebooks or habits like that but it's always worth trying something new
jeez i need a therapistI keep thinking I'll do something like that.... I'm not very good at keeping notebooks or habits like that but it's always worth trying something new