→ yard sard
[mental health? adhd? idk?] boy can I just complain about my brain for a minute here
→ yard sard
I've known basically my whole life that my brain "didn't work right" but have never gotten a diagnosis for anything except depression, generalized anxiety, and PTSD
→ yard sard
but boy... I know brains are supposed to work better than this
→ yard sard
none of my counselors have ever been qualified or whatever to test me for ADHD and have all taken the "idk maybe it's brain fog related to depression? let's treat that. and also ask your doctor about vitamin deficiencies"
→ yard sard
and maybe it is that. I have no idea. but things are not right and I feel like all of life is waaaay harder than it should be.
Wayward Haze
.... 
gosh this
gosh this
Wayward Haze
This is ridiculously relatable, Red
→ yard sard
lol hello. I figured you folks could sympathize with a lot of this
→ yard sard
my dad and brother both have severe adhd
→ yard sard
my dad is convinced I have it too, and when he explains what it's like, about 60%-70% I'm like YES THIS OMG... until he gets to some of the key parts of adhd and it's just the complete opposite of how I experience the world
→ yard sard
I am certain I have an auditory processing disorder. whether that's part of something else, I don't know, but sound is just... an alien concept to me a lot of the time
→ yard sard
and so I don't know if the ways I don't identify with adhd descriptions are part of that? or if it's all something else? or... idk??
→ yard sard
but the brain fog is.... bad. searching for words, having just the shittiest memory for a log of categories of things, not being able to process a lot of info at once, not being able to keep up a solid string of thought in my head, not being able to focus on anything other than what is right in front of me
→ yard sard
*a lot of
→ yard sard
I can only describe it as experiencing life looking through a paper towel tube
→ yard sard
I have no peripheral attention. that whole easily-distracted part of adhd that seems like kind of a core principle is like... the exact opposite of my life
→ yard sard
it's like 100% brain fog with hyper-focus in the center
→ yard sard
anything that is not in that tiny center focus just... doesn't exist
→ yard sard
that's why any time I lose my tabs, or spend a day with a migraine instead of repeating habits, or get shaken up by anxiety, everything is just gone
→ yard sard
anyway I'm just desperately rambling at this point. the thing that caused this was being sighed at a little because I'd forgotten things that I'd just had explained to me
→ yard sard
and then today having to ask stupid questions that I have no reason not to be able to remember??
→ yard sard
like... I know we own headphones that can presumably record sound? I know I bought them? but I can't remember what they look like, where they are, or if I'm even remembering this fact correctly.
→ yard sard
I feel like U have to completely relearn games or programs or systems that I previously knew by heart but had stopped using for a couple weeks.
→ yard sard
*I
→ yard sard
ugh I'm just frustrated and I don't know what's wrong with me.
Wayward Haze
That paper towel tube focus thing is totally relatable, if that makes you feel any better
Wayward Haze
I can remember stuff that happened to me when I was two but ask me what I did three days ago? Nope.
→ yard sard
really?? because I usually only get people who have adhd agreeing with part of it but not all of it
Wayward Haze
And no matter how many times people describe them to me, things like retirement plans and health insurance just do not click
→ yard sard
yeah I can't remember time and things that happened... at all...
→ yard sard
I'll try to quiz myself and always end up depressed by the end of it
BRUNO PLS
I have very similar problems due to narcolepsy.
Wayward Haze
I haven't been diagnosed with ADHD or anything, just anxiety and depression, and I know my hypothyroidism can fuck with my head sometimes too but ... ugh
→ yard sard
man and I've always been this way
→ yard sard
a lot of my memories of childhood are like super zoomed in, and I can't believe some of the things that I didn't notice or realize back then
BRUNO PLS
I literally had to have an extensive DDx done to find out why I felt like shit all the time and why I couldn't do normal everyday brain things.
→ yard sard
god I wish anyone who has ever tried to diagnose me had done a thorough job or come up with anything useful
→ yard sard
I feel disabled. I can't imagine trying to find a 'real' job and functioning there again. I barely managed at my last one, and that was with a ton of concessions made because my manager was one of my friends
BRUNO PLS
Aye, that's the problem. Brain fig and shitty memory and whatnot are symptomatic of half the ICD.
→ yard sard
yeah
BRUNO PLS
Awgawd, I know that feeling.
→ yard sard
i just... can't function.
weaver ♪
the thing about ADHD is that it's still diagnosed via a set of symptoms taken from a biased population sample, much like autism. I've heard that mechanically, it's like... your reward center of the brain doesn't respond right to getting stuff done
BRUNO PLS
I literally cannot work a normal job.
→ yard sard
yeah it's that frontal lobe not pulling its weight
weaver ♪
So you don't get self-motivation, because the neurochemical reward doesn't happen
weaver ♪
That can manifest differently in different people
→ yard sard
like if I could just take that part, and not the "can't filter things because everything 'weighs' the same to the brain" part, that would describe me
→ yard sard
it's like my brain can't handle anything but focusing on one piece of information at a time. it's like I don't have the RAM
→ yard sard
if I go somewhere with overwhelming information to take in?? It's like I drop into a fugue state
BRUNO PLS
Ugh. Been there.
→ yard sard
even if that information is like... process a really large object. my brain is like welp. I get about 20% of this
→ yard sard
it's like I can't zoom out
BRUNO PLS
I can't even decide what I want at restaurants and people get impatient and that only makes it worse.
→ yard sard
when I go in a new place to order food, or go to an airport, or walk into a party with many people, I just
→ yard sard
short circuit
BRUNO PLS
yerp
→ yard sard
I can't read, I can't process people talking to me, I can't think, I can't get a handle on what the layout of the inside of the building even is
→ yard sard
I actually LOVE being in big crowds because of it
→ yard sard
it's actually really relaxing for me because I don't have to focus on anything. I can become part of a mass
→ yard sard
(one of the reasons I love playing Legato. lol)
BRUNO PLS
are you me?
weaver ♪
I would maybe look into autism spectrum symptoms too just to cover your bases, with that much sensory stuff going on
→ yard sard
god if it gets me a diagnosis then yes we are the same
→ yard sard
yeah? I usually get asked a couple of questions that seems to rule that one out fas
BRUNO PLS
Or exhaustion.
→ yard sard
like sound doesn't bother me at all. brain doesn't even bother with it. a lot of my senses actually feel muted to me
BRUNO PLS
Chronically bad sleep destroys higher brain function.
→ yard sard
it's like my brain shuts them out before they even sink in
→ yard sard
WELL lol I've always had super disordered sleep, but nothing that a sleep test helps with
weaver ♪
Autism diagnostics are based on symptoms that manifested in grade-school boys. We're still working past that
→ yard sard
true. lol
BRUNO PLS
You've had a psg?
→ yard sard
the last sleep test I had, I only slept for 60-90 mins
→ yard sard
and they're like "eh, that was long enough. you're fine."
BRUNO PLS
... wut.
weaver ♪
it may not be, but symptoms vary a lot. there's also just plain sensory processing disorders
BRUNO PLS
No. it's not.
BRUNO PLS
That's not nearly long enough. wtf.
→ yard sard
welp. it's on my char now, so.
→ yard sard
*chart
→ yard sard
that was what the specialists said, so there's nothing else I can do.
weaver ♪
also yeah not sleeping can really affect function no matter what else you have going on
→ yard sard
one thing i've always wondered had like... a traumatic effect on my brain is that I had VERY EXTERME sleep apnea until I was 7
→ yard sard
like, I was snoring loudly as an infant
BRUNO PLS
... uhm. yes.
→ yard sard
because my tonsils and adenoids were so large, I couldnt breathe around them. my speech was impacted by it.
→ yard sard
when my specialist saw a video my mom brought in of me breathing once every 10-20 seconds all night long, he ordered an emergency surgery
→ yard sard
but no doctor has ever seemed to think it was significant????
→ yard sard
it had impacted the way I spoke, how much I ate, etc.
BRUNO PLS
I can't imagine why. Where we're these doctors? Alabama?
→ yard sard
I immediately gained tons of weight because I could suddenly eat and drink at the same time lol
→ yard sard
Illinois. lol
BRUNO PLS
See a real doc. IL is shite.
→ yard sard
I had one amazing doctor here in WA but the practice shuttered and I was shuffled to the woman who pulled me off of a super-dangerous antidepressant over the course of only two weeks and wrecked my life
→ yard sard
SO...
→ yard sard
she's technically still my doctor. I'm still looking for a new one.
BRUNO PLS
I got literally half a dozen Dxs the first time I saw a gp in MN. Things that were real and just glossed over by the ones in IL.
→ yard sard
lordy
→ yard sard
we were just starting to look into things with the awesome doctor I first had in WA but
→ yard sard
now that the practice is gone, I'm back to looking at clinics that take medicaid and praying that one of them isn't horrible
→ yard sard
because I have no job, no money, and can't travel far. so. my options are a little limited.
BRUNO PLS
Eeef, yeah. The Medicaid here is not good.
→ yard sard
and my counseling place doesn't have a psychiatry branch anymore.
→ yard sard
and lol like... with how my current gp pulled me off those meds in such a way that I think I might have done permanent damage, I'm a little leery
BRUNO PLS
You'd think a city the size of Seattle would have better options. ._.
→ yard sard
they do, which is the sad part
BRUNO PLS
Oh, dear, cold turkey off of brain meds is never good...
→ yard sard
compared to where most of my friends and family lives
→ yard sard
yeah it was very very bad
BRUNO PLS
I can imagine.
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
I haven't read this whole plurk so forgive me if this has been said
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
but what you described of your symptoms is literally my symptoms and I have ADHD and a diagnosis and meds and everything.
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
ADHD falls broadly into two "types" which are hyperactive and inattentive
weaver ♪
I have a terrible memory, but I'm seeing my mom next weekend, she has a psych practice in the area, I'll try to remember to ask her for recommendations
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
Mine is strongly of the inattentive type and not the hyperactive. So I don't identify with or experience the hyperactive symptoms at all.
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
It sounds like so is yours if you have it.
BRUNO PLS
Wish I could rec something but Tacoma is a bit far...
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
Also I know sooo much other people with ADHD and NONE of us experience it the same way.
weaver ♪
^
→ yard sard
weaver ♪
: if they take medicaid, I'm always looking for recommendations lol
→ yard sard
lol yeah... I definitely don't have the hyperactivity part
→ yard sard
my girlfriend does and wow
weaver ♪
Yeah. She'll know, and I trust her recs to be queer-friendly
→ yard sard
wonderful
→ yard sard
I've always wondered about the inattentive type
→ yard sard
I tried looking up things about it off and on as information changed, but I still couldn't get a handle on how it might differ from the other side aside from lacking hyperactivity
→ yard sard
still seemed like you needed to have trouble with not being able to keep from being distracted by any stimuli that came up
→ yard sard
like, I was thinking about how I take tests, and it has always been just zoom in, bang that thing out, be completely unable to go back and look at the questions a second time, and be the first one to turn it in
→ yard sard
god... when I was still in public school, in the first grade, I had hyperfocused so hard on the journal entry I was working on that I.... somehow missed my entire class getting up and leaving???
→ yard sard
and so when I returned to my own body, I was stunned to find myself in an empty room. i thought I was dreaming.
→ yard sard
and then my teacher literally screamed at me when I finally ran across the hall to catch up with everyone. and I still have no idea what happened?? I assumed it was hyperfocus but it was more like I lost consciousness and woke up afterward, completely confused as to what happened
→ yard sard
but I didn't fall asleep or anything, I was just writing in my journal. and my teacher thought I was purposefully ignoring everything. I have no idea if she'd tried to get my attention and I didn't notice or what.
→ yard sard
weaver ♪
hyperfocus was like that for me sometimes when I was a kid, yeah
weaver ♪
mostly when I was reading
→ yard sard
definitely
→ yard sard
I think it was all the time for me but yeah
→ yard sard
drawing, reading, and playing were the worst
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
here is a quick rundown of how I experience inattentive ADHD
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
I'm not a medical professional so some of these may be symptoms of other things my brain has wrong with it rather than ADHD but... ADHD is often comorbid with other disorders so. SHRUGS
→ yard sard
oooo yeah
→ yard sard
man the brain fog ones and still having incredible organizational skills
→ yard sard
I can't remember the stupidest shit... but girlfriend wanted to know where in our giant hoard of art supplies little metal rings might go, and I zoned out for a minute, and was then able to go right to one of our dozens of shelves and boxes and containers-within-containers to show her a tiny bag of things that looked just like it
→ yard sard
and what was like... how did you do that?????
→ yard sard
and I'm idk but I cant remember what yesterday was so I guess it evens out
→ yard sard
*and she was like
weaver ♪
Mom is horrified at your current doc, and will poke around her therapist groups for people who take Medicaid
→ yard sard
t-thank you...
→ yard sard
it was either citalopram or duloxetine that she dropped me off over two weeks
→ yard sard
half dose one week, half of that the next week, and then nothing
weaver ♪
I guess you have to have a doctorate to do ADHD screening, but it is out there
→ yard sard
yeah, that's how stick got diagnosed
→ yard sard
I just have medicaid so
→ yard sard
it's hard to find anyone who can/will do that
→ yard sard
because they're also extra paranoid about drug seekers
weaver ♪
sigh
→ yard sard
where are my desperate shrugging emotes
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
my psychiatrist diagnosed me without making me go through the "official" screening
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
but that's probably state-dependent
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
ALSO YEAH if that stuff resonates with you then you probably also have inattentive-type ADHD
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
you're not broken. we're not broken. our brains are just weird. :|
→ yard sard
some of it did! but again a lot of the distractable type stuff didn't so much
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
yeah distraction IS a big part of it
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
if you have sleep issues then honestly that might be worth looking into more, from what I know? because ADHD-without-the-distraction-parts sounds like sleep problems to me
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
ask me how i know (it's because i also have sleep problems)
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
sleep problems 100% mimic ADHD (with the distraction parts, in my case) -- in my case I'm pretty sure I don't actually have ADHD but I certainly do have "features" of it thanks to narcolepsy
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
actually some doctors now think there might be a sleep component to ADHD as well
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
so it's worth getting tested (and Medicaid should cover sleep medicine! or at least it does here)
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
...although now that I'm rereading this list, maybe I also had a little ADHD before I got sick 
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
I have a friend with narcolepsy who was misdiagnosed with ADHD for like... 15 years
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
the connection between sleep and ADHD from what I know is because of something something delayed melatonin?
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
but I don't know much about it
→ yard sard
I already got tested, which is the problem for a sleep disorder!
→ yard sard
so unless I can convince a new doctor that they missed something, medicaid won't cover it
→ yard sard
which I think it bullshit because I only slept 60-90 minutes the whole night but my opinion doesn't matter!
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
how long ago?
→ yard sard
couple years
→ yard sard
I had it done here in seattle
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
it might be worth trying again!
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
2 years is long enough that you could probably convince someone
→ yard sard
how is something like narcolepsy discovered in a sleep test
→ yard sard
because they really only seemed to be looking for apnea and restless leg
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
if they only did one test they weren't looking for narcolepsy -- for that you have to do the overnight and a nap test the next day
𝙹𝚄𝚂𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽'𝚃
they check for things like REM patterns overnight but the MSLT (the nap test) is more important afaik
→ yard sard
yeah I've never heard of that
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
Yeah I think getting tested again would be smart.
ᴜʀʙᴀɴ ʟᴇɢᴇɴᴅ
My partner got told his thyroid was fine and then he got it checked again by someone better and his levels were HORRIBLE and now he’s on medication
→ yard sard
oh lord