fml I feel so weird and out of it lately and I am terrified of tomorrow [CW: suicidal ideation, bad brain, invasive thoughts, etc

first try for therapy in years tomorrooooow

when I haven't slept for 2 days

idefk why but I randomly just... want to cry ugh

/purrs gently in direction of/

i hope it goes well, hon!!

I've been... struggling a lot this week with just wanting to give up so I mean good(?!?!) timing

idk it's like... is it suicidal ideation if it's just passively wanting to uh..... stop

you've had a lot going on in a short period of time so it's understandable, plus the business with your meds and just being out of it and everything else. be kind to yourself you're going through a lot

not so much do a thing but just

I'm so sick of fighting for every fucking inch

I just want to rest for once

I'mma be 34 in a month and it's been over 20 years since I didn't have to panic about finances every day of my gorram life

there have been so many times in the last couple of months that i've considered fucking trying something because surely something will at least change then? fuck maybe I should be committed but my wife would be so distressed if that happened

d'you think normal nice people ever do terrible shit just to get like... arrested so they don't have to end up homeless and starving?

You just want the entire world to pause for awhile so you can have a fucking break. Not necessarily want to die, just... For everything to go on pause for awhile and maybe just exist without the pressure of the world. That about right?

or just.... kill themselves for the same reason

yeah p. much

to not have the constant knowledge that no matter how much I hurt or how shitty I feel that every moment of inaction is making my life more difficult

I don't want to be in this much pain and I don't want to feel this fucking miserable all the time and I just....... want to be able to breathe and enjoy something without that little voice in the back of my head telling me that if I'm not doing something that's going to bring in money then I should just stop

if I'm not making $$$ then it's a waste of time and energy

I didn't go with my wife to go visit a friend and her new baby this morning because 1) I feel like shit and 2) the idea of spending time/gas/spoons on something so frivolous was freaking me out

O wish there was more I could do to help, but that sounds valid. Anyone would be feeling this way after so much bullshit. /HUG

Hopefully the therapy will help and you'll be able to get at least a little sleep.

so, one: yes, passive ideation still counts

two: yeah I feel you, and money stress is something that I don't think ever really goes away, it just gets less