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[health] / [mute] / scream
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I have a thigh gap
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for the first time ever
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I am not happy about it
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because it means YET MORE muscle loss D:
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you were in bed for 11 days
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>> true
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chris 🔅
try to be kind to yourself
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I did lose a lot of weight
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ahhhhhh I'm just scared I won't be able to get anything back but I AM SO I SHOULD CHILL
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you'll get better in this way
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just takes time
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ugh chill is hard
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breeeeeaaaathhhhe
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ugh though the other thing is I NEED TO EAT BUT I AM NAUSEOUS AND FOOD IS LIKE
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revolting
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EVEN THE CANDY MY DAD TRIED TO BE LIKE
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"this is always here. INTAKE CALORIES"
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dont think your tummy is ready for some things yet
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meds can have not so fun side effects
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or anything today -- but I did ask for an anti-nausea
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I HAVE to eat though seriously
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yes yes you do
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BECAUSE my meds have side effects
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uuuuuuuuuugh
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okay maybe in half an hour
STORAAGCAPACITY
It takes time to get muscle back but you'll get there!
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ugh well CFIDS so
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I won't but I did get SOME back and more than I expected and less damage than I thought
STORAAGCAPACITY
Yeah CFIDS does make it harder sob
Mags
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OKAY HAD SOME AWESOME THERAPY SESSIONS I AM SUPER HAPPY ABOUT, Talked to my Mom extended hours after that -- she and Nurse-Friend-of-Family Donna came to visit and it's extra reassuring for my Mom to see that I can SAFELY push myself and BUILD PROGRESS (which previously I could not)
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and indeed they said I could practice using Robbie in the future because that's literally one of my goals: to be able to walk him to any of the five pokemon go gyms and back without burning out etc.
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also okay when it comes to food and me losing weight etc.
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When I was in ICU I exposed a weakness in myself that revealed some psychological damage I was ashamed of/embarrassed of -- About the doing something I didn't want to in order to avoid [fear] and INDEED
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FEAR IS NOT A THING I AM USED TO obviously
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or entirely comfortable with
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I'm taking a deep breath
Vincent Gogh
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FEAR: Obviously I fear GETTING SICKER
I have LEARNED to fear: well nurses lmao but - even just the power people have over others etc.
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When I freaked out at 5th floor from the move and other things -- I told my Dad I wasn't scared of being wrong
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And this remains true
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I wasn't scared of it all being a hallucination, that's great. HONESTLY IT IS
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I was TERRIFIED of being right
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because I didn't have an answer for that. A JUST AND MORAL SOLUTION etc.
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IN ICU I was overhearing eeeeeverything because my ears are extra sound sensitive and no one bothered to stfu
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I jolted my system three times in one night
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1) I forced myself to eat despite not wanting to
2) I recounted the tale and tried to fill in the blanks
3) I exposed that weakness(es) to myself
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FEAR IS GOOD. I AM OKAY. I am safe now. I am loved. God am I loved lol ALSO OMFG
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yes yes you are
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MooseChangerPat so Star was in western MA with her fiance of like 10 years UNTIL THANKSGIVING WEEKEND HOW FREAKY IS THAT
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But I think yeah, obviously forcing myself to eat and exposing that weakness + combine it with the TRYING TO REMEMBER INSTEAD OF LETTING THEM JUST FLOOD ME -
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OH I SHOULD ADD
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Seeing Star flooded me with NOT JUST MEMORIES OF STAR
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I remember the morning I went in for the endoscopy now
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because of Star XDDDD It jogged ALL my memories and opened the floodgate
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But trying to put it in an order and process it yes caused a small snap
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lmfao my Mom was saying how I would give everyone dirty looks and treat them like ENEMY NUMBER 1 for even asking how I was doing
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AND I JUST LAUGHED BECAUSE WELL.... yeah
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I mean
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THE MORE PEOPLE WHO CAME IN AND OUT AND STUFF
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THE MORE IT REINFORCED THIS IDEA THAT IT WAS ALL TO FAKE ME OUT lmfao
𝔯𝔞𝔦𝔫𝔟𝔬𝔴 𝔭𝔦𝔯𝔞𝔠𝑦~
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So even cleaning people I was kind of mean to because I was like
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"/hiss!!!"
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AND EXTRA LIKE
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"ALL ARE ENEMIES"
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except my family thank fuck
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I SHOULD ALSO ADD IN HERE
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This is what NON - immunoglobin G allergies DO to your brain - that's how the immune system affects your brain
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it causes AIWS and reality distortion and makes it literally impossible to tell the difference
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but yes like it uh revealed/REMINDED MY BRAIN/BODY together that I was
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Hn not that I'm not invincible like
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my Dad was saying how all these grown men get scared of hospitals or hallucinations or not being in control
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BUT RATHER WHAT SCARED ME WAS that vulnerability in myself
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annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd that there IS even that injustice in the universe wherein some people WILL take advantage of it in others
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Because I didn't have a solution for it.
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and my mom was saying I was having some Mandela Effect where I was back to Spaulding mentally/emotionally a little
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because the brain was just trying to make sense of everything, yes, but also ME BEING IN A POSITION OF EXPOSED VULNERABILITY => Spaulding
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and even my Dad and others were like "this doesn't sound like you" and my Dad said my voice sounded extra like I was a teen again etc.
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but obvs. it wasn't all a reaction, ICU did have some fucked up shit going on (LOL)
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Oh and everyone was asking why I had respiratory failure etc.
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It wasn't just that my lungs were like 95% mucus (which my body overproduces)
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they used a med contraindicatory for someone with soy allergy : )
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so I lauuuuughed because
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it fit (LOL)
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ALSO I MADE STAR LAUGH ABOUT THE THIGH GAP THING ROFL
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She was like "OMG THAT IS SO YOU." SHE KNOOOOOWS
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She was my cocaptain for color guard XD
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She also came along for 2nd PT which wasn't on my note so I didn't know I had it, so originally I thought 1-2 I was free from PT ergo could visit with her etc. but as long as the patient wants them there, anyone can go !!
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and she was like "yeah see that's not CC style, CC style is throw someone the hardest thing possible and see how they do with it" and I was like "damn right XD"
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and she was like "This looks so fun! I want to just come play here one day!!"
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And I might see her Weds :3
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not the OTT thing but the
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feeling like you have to save the world and almost that lack of freedom
𝔯𝔞𝔦𝔫𝔟𝔬𝔴 𝔭𝔦𝔯𝔞𝔠𝑦~
loco
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plus I think forcing myself to eat I might have ingested some things I was allergic to as well lmfao so
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HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION THAT NIGHT SEEMS LIKELY
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And even possible of
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"let's try her on it and see what happens"
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um WRT MEMORIES COMING BACK VIA STAR
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She accidentally dabbed me with perfume once in 8th grade and I didn't bother washing it off or worrying I was like "I can't even smell it, it's probably fine lawl" -> 45 minutes later I had INTENSE hallucinations lmfao
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so STAR KNOWS AND ACCEPTS MORE THAN ME MY ALLERGIES ROFL
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-- NOW VISUAL HALLUCINATIONS Are NOT SCARY to me becauuuuuuuuuuuuse
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my synesthesia has a built-in mechanism wherein I can tell visual reality
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because hallucinations don't kick in synesthesia so
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though I was talking about the other times I've hallucinated -- rabbits and gnomes
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BOTH TIMES BECAUSE OF APPLE ALLERGY LAWL
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again I don't have scary hallucinations, and my Dad was saying "you should say that's what happens: gnomes attack"
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and I was like "WELL ACTUALLY I was apparently saying we needed to strike the gnomes first... so I was more planning to attack the gnomes"
Dad: "even better, YOU attack gnomes \:|/"
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so because I was HEARING [everything] it was NOT something I could identify between real and not
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SOME OF WHAT I OVERHEARD WAS DEFINITELY REAL
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And not good
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and caused the rest
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for sure
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and people would try to reassure me that I was too strong to be compliant, but obvs. since that night I tried to force myself to eat so I wouldn't be back in the scary bed....
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As I said: nooooooo, and tbf anyone would be more compliant etc. lol It's a VERY VULNERABLE SITUATION
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and -> that jolted my brain a bit back to Spaulding which wasn't at all the same but it revealed to me MY weaknesses
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It's GOOD because
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I am AWARE of my weakness/vulnerabilities
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and in a safe place wherein not only do I need to know them, but need others to SEE AND KNOW AND HELP ME PROTECT MYSELF lol
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Um: first and foremost -> I was addicted to exercise to ignore pain :VVVV
-> you never stop being a workaholic
-> I DO NOT TAKE SLOW AND EASY AND BREAKS WELL
-> I want to run like Emi not build up to it
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Whittier is great because they specialize in all kinds of rehab so they know too like MY TYPE OF PERSONALITY rofl
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and instead of Spaulding which was like "you can ignore the pain by WORKING EVEN HARDER X-(" which caused me to collapse. A lot. and be paralyzed etc.
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and god like Star is 100% the best person for being in my life RIGHT THIS SECOND because she is THE MOST PATIENT PERSON I KNOW ROFL like I sprained my foot and we underestimated the distance from bus stop to her house but she was just like "hey you got this, we're doing great, I AM HERE WITH YOU ^^" the whole hoooouuur it took us to get there rofl
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and like I said, she was my cocaptain because she was the one who was good at building people up slowly and offset all my weaknesses 100%
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I STILL THINK IT IS FUNNY SHE WAS LIKE "Do you remember me?" and at first I thought she was a RANDOM PERSON FROM FRAMINGHAM HOSPITAL So I was like "nope :V" and she was like "... awkward.... /insert Homer fading into bushes" and then was like "well we went to school together... >>"
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and I was just like "omfg STAR!!!!!?"
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mind you I had just woken up because migraine and Luffy-bro was here to protect me so I took a mini-nap so I LITERALLY just woke up to Star but yeessssss
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And I was like "omfg I would never forget you Star you were my bff in middle school!!!" and she was later like "WAIT WTF CC HOW DID WE EVEN LOSE TOUCH????"
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and I was like "Because I am CC and I was like 'NOW EVERYONE GO TO COLLEGE AND I WILL NINJA INTO THE BACKGROUND!"
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And she was like "GDI CC THAT IS NOT HEALTHY D:<"
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see also I need to be back in MA because I was literally dying otherwise
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Because I would hermit away :V which is not healthy.
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like literally physically bad for my lungs lmfao
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speaking of tickling the whale gently instead
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so tonight was a major piece out not only "hey CC allergies are very potent shit, please don't ignore them just because one reaction isn't vomiting blood, it can still be intense"
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I was talking to my Mom about Luffy-bro and my friend Leanne and I met at camp because we both had food allergies -> but hers don't cause physical reactions, they gave her personality reactions!
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and we were talking about the immune system's effect on the brain -- AIWS and the reality distortions etc.
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my Mom thinks that's what's happening with Luffy-bro, he's having the allergic reactions
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esp. because see also: my reactions usually involve me being PRO-ACTIVE AS FUCK
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Attack the gnomes strike first X-(
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and like I told my Dad: I wasn't scared of being wrong; hallucinating, etc. THAT IS EASY BECAUSE You don't have to DO anything about that. I was TERRIFIED of being right. Because I didn't know what to do about that.
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and like I said, I've VISUALLY hallucinated before -- but it has a built-in check for reality for me because it doesn't have the synesthesia so I can always tell visuals aren't there
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and so exposing myself to my own vulnerability was yeah THAT was the scarier part
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I think it's safe to assume the stuff about trying to get people on the floor to eat more and where I thought the whole floor/ward was a fake scheme / medicare fraud was
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thanks to me having a meltdown that night from all the shocks to my system
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though at the same time, I did def. overhear some real shit in ICU of nurses thinking the allergies weren't real, and I was primed against them from the start because of the incident with others and the first day I woke up etc. etc.
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and they did try to scare me with the bed and get me to eat more and that caused the rest of my meltdown
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such that my brain decided "floor 5" was some sort of "food thing" and trying to force people into compliance etc.
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I am still laughing at my own reaction though because well yeah
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If you think the more people come in and get involved and ASK HOW YOU ARE = proof of a MASSIVE scheme
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of course you're going to be a BITCH AND A HALF
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Like that's not even "water is wet"
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That's like "So a Ninevite asked Jonah how he was doing and he was more than rude" well yeah
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Man like even right this second, I am a little fuzzy how much is dream, how much is real with the day I called my parents in
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I THINK I did go for MRIs because I remembered the couches in the lobby and thinking of them as swanky but
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hahaha ALSO THE BEST PART IS
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The more anyone tried to convince me I was crazy the more it fortified my "SCHEME D:<" scare because
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That was built into it all along (LOL)
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I am VERY glad our thoughts/prayers were answered because that probably brought Star to you
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But yeah like I think because I DID actually try to force myself to eat I likely was having an allergic reaction to something AND obvs. scared myself with that vulnerability etc.
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OH MAN ME TOO LMFAO THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH SHE IS AN ANGEL XD
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and it is EERIE how parrallel our paths are because like I said
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Thanksgiving weekend
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<333
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WE BOTH WERE LIKE ":-o no way!!!" and my Mom got goosebumps over that too
MooseChangerPat
Yeah, I just told Dad and he was like "That is eerie! Is she with her Fiancee now?"
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Nope SHE IS IN A SAME WEIRD LIMBO
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AND AGAIN THIS IS STAR WHO GOT IN PHARMACOLOGY BECAUSE OF DAD
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yes; I know about Thanksgiving weekend and I kept thinking thats what caused all of this as you were unconcious
MooseChangerPat
THAT'S REALLY FREAKY!
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AND THAT DREAMED OF DAD TAKING US ON MAD SCIENTIST ADVENTURES alksdjalksdjas
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Vincent Gogh : ? how so
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I think it was the soy allergy med they used lmfao um
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+ being like 95% mucus filled
MooseChangerPat
But I am like... so touched you have Star back in your life, and also a tiny bit jealous that I can't be there for you as much as she can right now /stupid Moose world problems
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omfg Moosey nooooooooooooooooooooooooo you need to understand
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I HAVE TOLD EVERYONE HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO BE BACK BECAUSE OF YOU AND LUFFY-BRO
MooseChangerPat
MooseChangerPat
ILU most
MooseChangerPat
/glomps
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I LITERALLY TELL THEM ALL HOW YOU AND I PRETZEL OURSELVES WHEN THE OTHER IS NOT LOOKING SO THAT WE CAN MAKE THE OTHER LAUGH
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and compete
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and LIKE OKAY
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SPEAKING OF SPAULDING AND SHIT
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MOM LITERALLY SAID THAT WAS WHY YOU DID NOT HAVE THE ROUGH TIME OF THINGS THE OTHER THREE HAVE
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BECAUSE ONE TIME THEY WERE GOING TO SEND YOU THERE
MooseChangerPat
I STILL THINK THE SHOE ON HEAD IS ONE OF MY BEST PARTY TRICKS!
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AND I STRAIGHT UP SAID i WOULD FIGHT MOM AND DAD TO PROTECT YOU
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AND LIKE THIS IS CC
MooseChangerPat
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I don't protect myself
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I DO NOT PROTECT MYSELF
MooseChangerPat
This is why Star is a good friend to have with you as your co-captain
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BUT I WILL FIGHT THE GOD DAMN UNIVERSE TO PROTECT YOU
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I didn't fight back against bullies
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until you were bullied
MooseChangerPat
I WILL ALSO FIGHT THINGS FOR YOU! EVEN THOUGH I AM A FAIL MOE BLOB WHO IS BAD AT FIGHTING THINGS, AND MOSTLY JUST TRY TO SILLY MY WAY OUT OF THINGS!
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that going on that trip is how you caught this
MooseChangerPat
https://images.plurk.com/6XkQBUwIz9t9ULH6iTG16M.png
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I LOVE YOU MOSTEST!!!
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but yes glad Star in your life ^^
MooseChangerPat
I got dibs
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XD I can share with you
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And then I realized bullies don't just pick one victim, they just lash out based on opportunity and I have the CAPACITY to fight back and So SHOULD because they need to be pushed back against
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Vincent Gogh : I didn't go on a trip, I was forced to come home because vomiting blood :T
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><
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"come home" BACK TO MY PARENTS
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which was more or less Star with her ex-bf she came back to MA THANKSGIVING WEEKEND aslkdjalskdjas
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but um yeaaaahhhh no I can safely say now
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1) yes my lungs were overly mucus filled -- and indeed they kind of "juiced me" - I keep referencing it to being like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka rofl
MooseChangerPat
At least you didn't explode?
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but 2) they used a medicine to put me under that is CONTRAINDICATORY for someone allergic to soy : )

I'm allergic to soy.

Like.

so.
very.
MooseChangerPat
And you're not blue, so we can't have you singing "I'm blue" and starring in La blu girl.
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lmfao yes
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THAT WOULD BE -- yes
MooseChangerPat
(lmao)
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XD
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MooseChangerPat : YEAH SO AS I KEEP TELLING PEOPLE I didn't just need my parents, I NEEDED AND CONTINUE TO NEED YOU AND LUFFY BRO BECAUSE
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you two are the best to tell me to breathe, take it easy, etc.
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<3
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annnnnnnnnnnnd BECAUSE YOU WANTED SO MUCH TO BE MY BESTIE
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I am forced to BE healthier to protect you XDDDDDDDDDD
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IT IS LITERALLY BATMAN THE LEGO MOVIE
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AT THE END [spoilers for anyone else]
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He pushes everyone away to "protect them" and it's like
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"They don't seem like the ones who needed protecting"
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YEAH THAT'S ME
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I'M BATMAN REMEMBER?
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You're my tinkerbell :T
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I also called you that to like
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3 people and I was like "but context: Jim Steinman called Meatloaf his Tinkerbell"
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WHICH YES ME SAYING IT THIS SECOND Yes that still sounds terriblbe but rofl
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BUT YES PROTECTING MOOSEY KEEPS ME HEALTHY BECAUSE I LITERALLY AM LIKE
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"You're not allowed to do this bad unhealthy thing D:<" even if it means forcing me not to do it either lmfao
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Annnnnnnnd
MooseChangerPat
Bald, bearded, grizzly, giant dude... tinkerbell...
Tee hee? https://images.plurk.com/23kpgEyDp6meszcux5zAPP.jpg
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I would never have told Mom and Dad about BEING damaged psychologically by Spaudling had they not been debating sending you
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the most moe XDDDDD
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And omfg Moosey even like SO MANY times today I mentioned how I NEED TO BE AROUND YOU LITERALLY FOR MY HEALTH silly old bear moose
MooseChangerPat
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Protecting you keeps me healthy. I'm Batman.
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OTHERWISE I WOULD DIE AND THAT WOULD LET THE WORLD END OKAY
MooseChangerPat
I feel a little embarrassed that protecting me is your reason to live... and even more embarrassed that I'm okay with this.
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rofl
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Look people can beat the shit out of me
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but NO ONE EVER IS ALLOWED TO HURT MOOSEY X-(
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