OKAY HAD SOME AWESOME THERAPY SESSIONS I AM SUPER HAPPY ABOUT, Talked to my Mom extended hours after that -- she and Nurse-Friend-of-Family Donna came to visit and it's extra reassuring for my Mom to see that I can SAFELY push myself and BUILD PROGRESS (which previously I could not)
and indeed they said I could practice using Robbie in the future because that's literally one of my goals: to be able to walk him to any of the five pokemon go gyms and back without burning out etc.
When I was in ICU I exposed a weakness in myself that revealed some psychological damage I was ashamed of/embarrassed of -- About the doing something I didn't want to in order to avoid [fear] and INDEED
But I think yeah, obviously forcing myself to eat and exposing that weakness + combine it with the TRYING TO REMEMBER INSTEAD OF LETTING THEM JUST FLOOD ME -
She also came along for 2nd PT which wasn't on my note so I didn't know I had it, so originally I thought 1-2 I was free from PT ergo could visit with her etc. but as long as the patient wants them there, anyone can go !!
and she was like "yeah see that's not CC style, CC style is throw someone the hardest thing possible and see how they do with it" and I was like "damn right XD"
She accidentally dabbed me with perfume once in 8th grade and I didn't bother washing it off or worrying I was like "I can't even smell it, it's probably fine lawl" -> 45 minutes later I had INTENSE hallucinations lmfao
and I was like "WELL ACTUALLY I was apparently saying we needed to strike the gnomes first... so I was more planning to attack the gnomes" Dad: "even better, YOU attack gnomes \:|/"
and people would try to reassure me that I was too strong to be compliant, but obvs. since that night I tried to force myself to eat so I wouldn't be back in the scary bed....
Um: first and foremost -> I was addicted to exercise to ignore pain :VVVV -> you never stop being a workaholic -> I DO NOT TAKE SLOW AND EASY AND BREAKS WELL -> I want to run like Emi not build up to it
and god like Star is 100% the best person for being in my life RIGHT THIS SECOND because she is THE MOST PATIENT PERSON I KNOW ROFL like I sprained my foot and we underestimated the distance from bus stop to her house but she was just like "hey you got this, we're doing great, I AM HERE WITH YOU ^^" the whole hoooouuur it took us to get there rofl
I STILL THINK IT IS FUNNY SHE WAS LIKE "Do you remember me?" and at first I thought she was a RANDOM PERSON FROM FRAMINGHAM HOSPITAL So I was like "nope :V" and she was like "... awkward.... /insert Homer fading into bushes" and then was like "well we went to school together... >>"
mind you I had just woken up because migraine and Luffy-bro was here to protect me so I took a mini-nap so I LITERALLY just woke up to Star but yeessssss
And I was like "omfg I would never forget you Star you were my bff in middle school!!!" and she was later like "WAIT WTF CC HOW DID WE EVEN LOSE TOUCH????"
so tonight was a major piece out not only "hey CC allergies are very potent shit, please don't ignore them just because one reaction isn't vomiting blood, it can still be intense"
I was talking to my Mom about Luffy-bro and my friend Leanne and I met at camp because we both had food allergies -> but hers don't cause physical reactions, they gave her personality reactions!
and like I told my Dad: I wasn't scared of being wrong; hallucinating, etc. THAT IS EASY BECAUSE You don't have to DO anything about that. I was TERRIFIED of being right. Because I didn't know what to do about that.
and like I said, I've VISUALLY hallucinated before -- but it has a built-in check for reality for me because it doesn't have the synesthesia so I can always tell visuals aren't there
I think it's safe to assume the stuff about trying to get people on the floor to eat more and where I thought the whole floor/ward was a fake scheme / medicare fraud was
though at the same time, I did def. overhear some real shit in ICU of nurses thinking the allergies weren't real, and I was primed against them from the start because of the incident with others and the first day I woke up etc. etc.
But yeah like I think because I DID actually try to force myself to eat I likely was having an allergic reaction to something AND obvs. scared myself with that vulnerability etc.
But I am like... so touched you have Star back in your life, and also a tiny bit jealous that I can't be there for you as much as she can right now /stupid Moose world problems
And then I realized bullies don't just pick one victim, they just lash out based on opportunity and I have the CAPACITY to fight back and So SHOULD because they need to be pushed back against
1) yes my lungs were overly mucus filled -- and indeed they kind of "juiced me" - I keep referencing it to being like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka rofl
I have LEARNED to fear: well nurses lmao but - even just the power people have over others etc.
2) I recounted the tale and tried to fill in the blanks
3) I exposed that weakness(es) to myself
Dad: "even better, YOU attack gnomes \:|/"
-> you never stop being a workaholic
-> I DO NOT TAKE SLOW AND EASY AND BREAKS WELL
-> I want to run like Emi not build up to it
/stupid Moose world problemsI'm allergic to soy.
Like.
so.
very.
Tee hee?
bearmoose