ash hole
[MH | ABUSE MAYBE IDK] you ever incessantly worry that you might see That One Person again and that it'll undo what small bit of work you've done to get away from their memory over the years
ash hole
like you'll see them and go right back to "oh it's fine I was always just overreacting and I made mistakes too and she was always right anyway"
ash hole
"it was never really that bad, I just have a terrible memory, it's historical revisionism that's all"
ash hole
because they're a good manipulator and we're always good and getting you to agree with them
ash hole
and you know they have a history of turning things around in their favor
ash hole
and they move in close circles to you and so it's not out of the question that you'll run into them someday
ash hole
and no matter how much you say "I'll be strong I'll notice the manipulation this time I won't forgive them" you're worried that seeing them will just make all of that resoluteness disappear
ash hole
because you were really good friends for awhile! so it couldn't have been all bad
𝕚𝕔𝕖 𝕡𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕖𝕤𝕤
This is absolutely why I will never go back. The feel is that real. And that powerful. And depending on how many do-overs were attempted is also, sadly, likely
ash hole
like I legit for real don't even know if I can call it abuse, that just seems to extreme
HOOUS POOUS
it's definitely valid, but i gotta mute this and head out now cause too real
ash hole
like...I feel like abuse has to have intention behind it? and I feel genuinely like maybe she didn't intend to hurt me like she did?
FloppyFeet
yeah idk how long til ill have to mute but i feel this a lot
FloppyFeet
i hate specifically the sensation where you see a stranger or hear their voice and you have to stop and be like oh you sound/look like someone who kinda ruined my life a little bit
FloppyFeet
bc its like this rando doesnt deserve that most likely but its just this sudden gut wrenching reaction of thinking its them for a split second before rational brain takes over again
ash hole
maybe she didn't realize what she was doing or maybe it was just entirely cause of her own issues
ash hole
she was just manipulative and always had to be right and if you were wrong you were a bad person who should be cancelled
FloppyFeet
honestly though i feel like most abusers including ppl who are legit violent dont think of what they do as abuse. so intent can only come into play so much
ash hole
she went deep into the tumblr sjw aesthetic and maybe that was a coping mechanism for her I dunno?
ash hole
like she was manipulative and toxic but abusive? I just don't know
FloppyFeet
and maybe someday those people do look back like wait i was shitty to do things like that but i mean. its a tricky thing to go down a rabbithole wondering about the intentions of someoen you cant mindread retroactively
ash hole
she made me feel like I was the toxic one and maybe she was right on some level! I can be manipulative too sometimes
ash hole
oh, I don't think she ever thinks about me
ash hole
she cuts people out of her life and moves on and never looks back
FloppyFeet
bc personally i know i have in the past treated people unkindly, and i can say i had excuses of all kinds but thay doesnt change my impact? the fact i know better now doesnt help because i cant even locate those people to attempt some kind of very late apology??
FloppyFeet
lmao yeah people like that are sure a thing too
ash hole
yeah god that's a mood....
ash hole
there's people I wish I could apologize too
FloppyFeet
yeah
ash hole
I dunno I just. don't want to ever see her again
ash hole
but I also don't want the fear of seeing her to stop me from going to things I might enjoy
ash hole
I've lost other friendships out of fear of accidentally contacting her
ash hole
why does it all have to be so confusing 
Echo
That fucking sucks and I'm sorry.
That fucking sucks and I'm sorry.
ash hole
ehhhh
ash hole
it's just annoying because like, it's been years, I should be past this by now
ash hole
I know it doesn't work like that but I just wish it all wouldn't pop up suddenly for me to have to deal with all over again
V O I D M O T H
re: the original topic: YES.
V O I D M O T H
I actually ran into him at ECCC '13 but I was in costume and he didn't recognize me and I got the FUCK out of the Dealers' Room immediately. Wanted to blow off the rest of the whole con.
V O I D M O T H
(For context, this person was my best friend in college, was infatuated with me, and I made the mistake of agreeing to be his roommate because he needed one and I needed to not be stuck at home with my evangelical dad and stepmom for a whole semester.)
V O I D M O T H
(For two years he tried to gaslight and manipulate me into a physical relationship.)
WAO SUGOI!!!!
ORBITAL★WOBBLE
Wow this sounds so familiar that I wonder if we’re talking about the same person....
ORBITAL★WOBBLE
I was just thinking today how much had a person like that who has effectively broken me and made it hard for me to trust my friendships
ash hole
ORBITAL★WOBBLE
it's certainly possible :x