[Musing about negative thoughts]

So I have found myself recently thinking things like "I never want anyone to see me naked" or "I am disgusted by literally every part of my body." And it's kind of odd.

I think I've always felt like this, but I've never had it cast in such clear and sharp relief by my own internal monologues.

I have frequently said I am single because I don't have anything to offer a partner:

If they want something short term and fun there are way better looking men out there, and way better looking men who like going out, drinking, living it up.

If they want something long term I have no car, no house, no job, no education, no savings...in short: no future. And even if we connect on an emotional level and really like each other, these are all warning flags that I am not a stable or reliable long term prospect.

And it made me think of that old saying: You can't love someone until you learn to love yourself.

And I'm not really sure how. Like I'm not upset, I'm not on the verge of tears or angry or anything like that. I'm almost clinically looking at this.

But I genuinely don't know how I'd even begin to not loathe my face, my skin, my hair, the whole disgusting package that is my body.

It's weird