But on the other hand, the way it traps my mind in a constant, unpredictable ebb and flow of fixation to fixation without my control is sometimes unbearable!
It makes it so the only thoughts that I can have in my head are those related to my fixation, I can't have a single conversation, I can't have a single thought in my head throughout the day, that isn't always in one way or another turned back around to that thing.
The worst part is, by the time I've learned to temper the new fixation and function mostly like a normal human being again, it will eventually drop out from under my feet, so that, while I still love those things, I just don't feel them as passionately as I did before, and my desire to do things with them dries up.
It's why I can't stay in an rp game for long, no matter how hard I want to. And I always end up feeling like a failure and a bad friend, because others have developed cr with mine, or there will be plots that I'd been planning to work on, and then all of it just goes away.
And that's if something else doesn't come up and completely hijack my fixations and tear my interest in the current one out of my fingers and force me to go after another one.
I know I'm doing that with Good Omens. Severely. Like. I think it's to the point this one may be a problem? But By God, I can't stand the thought of not loving things this much! And this is one of the best, most pure, most wonderful thing I've fixated on in a long time. This one is even more pure then Doctor Who. It doesn't have as many problems
because ceetain writers went off the rails and brought in toxic elements, it doesn't have a fandom that's tearing itself apart at the seams because there may be non-cishet-white-men in it. GO just feels like pure happiness.
aaand yeah, a lot of that is probably the fixation speaking, but I'll still think it's an extremely good representation of a healthy relationship after my head has cleared. It's just the intensity of it.
I just don't know what to do, sometimes. I don't have the money for medications, and even if I did, I don't want to lose my ability to feel love for things! I don't want to lose my passion! I feel like I'd lose myself in the process!!!
The most I can ever hope for us that I'll finally fixate on something that holds my attention for years on end, again, like when I fixated on Hellsing. But that was years ago. And...I don't want to fixate on toxic things anymore. I still love Hellsing, but it was a pretty toxic story.
Maybe I'm just PMSy, idk. I just know I've got a panicy, hard-to-breath feeling in my chest because I know I'm fixating and I can't stop it. And on some level, I don't want to?
I think part of it may be worse with this one because of how good the relationship is in the story, and it's something I desperately want to have in my life some day, but don't think I'll probably ever have.
And maybe it's just my brain wolves acting up, but I just...feel this. Unshakeable, absolute certainty that I will eventually. Like it's a fact of the universe, one of the laws of physics.
I try not to, and a lot ofnit is my anxiety speaking, I know. I just have a lot of fear about it. The closest I can come up with for a reason behind it is because when I was a kid and got bullied all the time, I would have people be nice to me for a while and then turn around and start bullying me later, so...just...
If you're the common denominator, then you're the one at fault, obviously? I din't know if it's true or not, just kids being kids, but that's the way I internalized it.
I'm glsd. and I really love talking to you guys about it. But I just don't know whether I'll e tok much if I don't hold everything back inside, and I worry people will be mad or frustrated or irritated wiith me when I come down from the high and ha e trouble staying focused on it again
I think simetimes maybe I do it because I can't really feel...happy? without these things to make my day better? If I don't have them in my head, I just feel...numb, maybe. so I don't want to stop.
I've never had anything else. I hate it. i've never been hugged or touched or kissed by anyone who wasn't doing it platonically or family-platonically!
yeah. That's what my mom and sis keep saying. I've just reached the point where I don't have any hope for it. I'm so far past the point of hope that I usually can't even be sad about it anymore.
The whole soulbonder thing has gotten both a bad rap and out of control. I feel that as long as you have a grip on reality and it's not hurting anyone, who cares if you're deeply attached to fictional beings
Oh, honestly, I'm just consoling myself with the fact that by the time I do find someone, hopefully we'll be mature enough to be over the whole drama shit and know what we want out of life.
And I just try very, very hard not to be soulbondery 'cause...I don't talk about it much, but I tend to use my muses as glorified imaginary friends, like I'm not a functioning adult. And that's bad enough as it is.
People have kind of stopped talking about anything that sounds remotely "soulbonder" because we're all afraid of wankgate and whatever and it's bullshit. You're normal. Most writers talk to their characters in their heads to some extent.
Uuuuugh, yeah, there are so many times that my characters will actually derail something I'm writing! It'll start off as one thing and then halfway through, WOOP! The Doctor really wanted to talk about this one thing, I guess!
That's the mildest form of it, for me, too. Like. I absolutely know that it's in my head, a figment of my overactive imagination! But that doesn't mean that, when I'm out in public, I don't sometimes find myself channeling them in little ways. Seeing a really cool deck of cards that Gambit wants, looking for a really nice pocket watch for the Doctor,
And when I'm feeling really really upset or hard on myself, I mentally seek out those "voices" because sometimes I can't make my own brain believe that those things are wrong, but the Doctor sure as Hell would understand and try and talk someone down from a really severe depression spike.
I've also had to completely canon update characters to get them out of horrible places before, because after a while, they can't function with the baggage I've unintentionally put on their shoulders, and they refuse to come out of the unhappy ball of misery they've curled up into and are refusing to play. It's not fun. I try not to do overly dramatic stuff
I feel bad if it happens too strongly. I've had people who played the same muse as me in sandboxes who freaked out when my version of a muse that was deeply traumatized in canon actually was, you know, traumatized. So I don't even know how to judge my own characterization, anymore.
Oh god, yeah. I haven't run into that one personally, but I had a friend who got picked on for, imo, playing a character accurately and not just limiting him to his cheerful facade that is, canonly, very explicitly a facade
i try not to bring up the trauma much because a. no one wants or needs that, b. i'm not looking to get my character 'fixed', and c. i figure a real person would downplay it anyway
And yeah, I played a character for a while who was a. super traumatized and b. a not that well written villain and I was sort of excited to play him for how dark he was, and then ended up having anxiety basically every second I had him in a game over how dark he was
and I kind of haven't wanted to play much in public settings on dw since because it just made me realise how much I am paranoid about becoming a wankgate target
I miss the days before wg really became a thing. And as far as the whole "soulbonder" thing goes, back then, it was so common for me to just casually mention some way my muse interacted with my life or for muses to just start talking to each other in the middle of ooc chat conversations
We all just kind of acknowledged that characters take on a life of their own and that doesn't make them separate entities, just a piece of your own mind that happens to speak in a slightly different voice.
Yeah, honestly, I'm always sort of low-key terrified wankgate will latch onto me. I totally am happy it's there sometimes, for when someone who's really legitimately toxic comes up and I can know to avoid them. But even then, most of the time, it's always the same person and I don't even have to check there, anymore because the Doctor Who rp community
and yeah, I remember when I was a kid and first rping, a character derailing things was an extremely common topic of conversation. it wasn't seen as a bad thing at all, just an amusing quirk of the art form.
but ywah. mine was over my Sans muse that that happened, and before that, my Tron muse was waaaaaaay too depressed (post Legacy/Tronzler) and had to be sort of rebooted.
So I try to stick to characters who are happier people, now, even though characrers working through shit can be reallt therapeutic for me, too, in moderation.
Yeah, and sometimes things do just kind of wreck them for a while, to where it's hard to write anything with them, or hard to write unless it's a very specific thing for a while
Yeah. It can be super hard to figure out where things will go. Which can be so much fun! But also can be so frustrating for me because I worry I'm going to derail it to the point people don't want to play with me anymore. ;T
Yeah, I love the spontaneity of it, that's why I love RP instead of just writing things myself. If I wanted to know the story from beginning to end before it was written, I would just write it. But I love to throw characters into a situation that I and they can't anticipate and see how they react to it!
It's like...I don't know exactly what you would say it is we're doing, but it's something weird and complex and...my brain is too fuzzy from crying earlier to think about how to put it into words properly right now.
We're not just writing a story, we're letting these characters live, in a way. If that makes sense? They're different then us, we wouldn't do or say the things they do, we wouldn't react the same way. And sure, they're not actually real, but it's absolutely a...fluid thing? dynamic? uuuugh, what is that word?
And when you improv, your character is going to be a thinly veiled version of you, somehow or another, because you can't get too far away and still spontaneously react in a way that's believable. But it's not you.
And roleplay is like that, too, because you have to react to things in the same way. Even if you can stray farther from "you" because you can take time to think about tags and whatnot. The strong muses still have overlap and people will fill in the gaps in any character with their own life experience.
It's too bad I'm such shit at improv irl. lol Though maybe that's because I get social anxiety? 'cause when me and my sister do it when we're jsut talking about fandoms, we do it really easily.
Yep. that was the thing I was going to mention, about how real conversations don't go the way you planned them, just because of the constantly shifting dynamics.
Doing improv well relies on you trusting yourself to spit out something spontaneously that'll be good enough in context. It takes some effort to develop that.
Yeah, it just makes me kinda :<, 'cause I always kind of enjoyed drama in high school, but I'm just...not quite comfortable enough to be really great at it. Though if I'd taken it every year in school when I could have, I might have been better at it.
See, and that's part of the problem, too. I'm not even witty enough to come up with comebacks on the fly for when people are bullying me, let alone when it's not an emotionally charged defense mechanism.
But yeah... I stopped doing improv because I ran out of classes with the group I was doing it with and didn't have a team to keep going with, but also I realised I have to be careful with it because it's super fun if I'm relaxed but if I'm having an off day it can wreak havoc with my anxiety
Probably it doesn't help my confidence in these things when the rest of my family is super quick on their toes for improv and comebacks, so I have a really high bar to meet for my everyday exposure to that sort of thing. >_>
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