I'm a CSI/superhero speedster ... do I also get the hot wife? [this turned into a lot of rambling about Caitlin, whoops]

Cait also had some really meaty moments in last nights episode and I just ... I'm really, really glad that they haven't forgotten that she has abandonment issues. ... then again Danielle actually gets to direct an ep this season so maybe they're paying attention to her input

and the thing is ... she's just so good at what she does that it makes writing Cait easier with every episode she actually gets to do something, even if it's a small something. I get little pieces from expressions and background stuff and inflections - she's always on and IC and I love it. even if it's subtle stuff.

especially since it fits with the thoughts I have about her. like ... Caitlin isn't boring. there is a lot going on with her and she's so layered and no, she isn't the action star that Barry is or the comic relief like Cisco or Ralph; she's quieter and more subtle because she's trying not to be Too Much

she keeps so much inside and suppressed and if someone isn't looking, or doesn't care, then it's easy to take at face value - but she's always watching things, she's holding herself separate and guarded on purpose

she can't let people see how fucked up she feels like she is, she can't just let herself go, she can't just be honest the way other people are because then they'll know and she'll ruin everything again and they'll leave so she has to be perfect

she has to be what other people need her to be, too - indispensable! irreplaceable! the best doctor and the best listening ear and the best best best - whatever you need, she can be that, and she'll do her damnedest to do that perfectly, too

so whoops she has powers and that's not part of her schema, that's not allowed, if she lets that continue then she's going to turn into the awful alternate version of herself from Earth 2 so we are just gonna put the kibosh on that right now but -

all of that negativity and imperfection and anger and frustration and pain and grief that she's been repressing gets packaged in with those powers, because she knows she's capable of breaking her mold and becoming something awful again and hurting people and ruining things - and she can't control her powers so they start to control her

she's tugged along by her own heart because she's never actually been able to control that either, and she doesn't know what to do with negative feelings or ... really any honest feelings at all. everything has been a carefully constructed facade that she feels she has to put up so people will like her and not leave