So yesterday was the first day we decided to try and tackle things that had happened in my past. I showed her an argument I had with my friend Cas over on Discord a couple of weeks ago, where Cas argued that taking medicine was bad because it didn't work for him
So we tackled that yesterday, leaving me a crying mess on the therapist's couch. How that had made me put up shields, how it effects me even now, like how I wear an extra layer of clothes underneath my work clothes because I distrust men that much.
How we went over the shame I felt, how I never told anyone except Plurkians a couple of years ago when I was trying to move back home and it was suggested that my molester help me. Only to find out that he was arrested and on trial for the very thing he had done to me in the late 90s
I had felt so helpless. I didn't know how wrong it was at the time and by the time I knew it was, we were moving away from that base and I had no evidence save my own word
It felt good to verbally tell someone about it. I don't feel so burdened. It still hurts, what he did to me, but I don't have to carry shame about it because it wasn't my fault
my homework is to try and recall the things that make me happy by myself (tackling the abandonment issues), while looking over some youtube things she recommended to me about mental shields
This is the man. This is the man that started all this distrust, that had me in tears on a therapist's couch with her pitbull snuggling her head inmy lap