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[transphobia/threatened violence, health stuff, mental health stuff, etc?] I'm scared tonight, y'all.
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I had a panic attack over a kind of silly thing at work tonight, a minor situation where I just couldn't perform a normal task.
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And then I had some old lady get upset at me in the restroom, again.
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And then when I was leaving work, I had some guy harass me in the parking lot about basically my gender presentation? And I went inside and got the produce manager, who was acting as closing manager, and had him walk me back out
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But the guy was already gone
Bing Bong
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And then when I was trying to drive home, I had a bout of vertigo.
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And I'm just like.
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This night.
Bing Bong
I'm glad your manager walked you out tho, just in case <3
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And getting harassed in the parking lot definitely reminded me way too much of being attacked last year, even though that happened at another store.
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But I feel so unsafe, and just...
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I refuse to believe that I'm the problem for just being who I am.
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I am determined to look at all my options and choose conviction < that's another Andrea Gibson quote, yes yes
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But holy shit.
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TWICE IN ONE DAY
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first the old lady in the bathroom and then some asshole in the parking lot, and I'm like
Bing Bong
you are not the problem. seriously, people need to get over themselves and their ideas of how other people should look
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I'm wearing my fucking work uniform????
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YOU ARE LITERALLY UPSET ABOUT NOTHING BUT MY UNDERCUT???
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Bing Bong
it's petty af
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but I was already having a bad fucking day because of not being able to do something and panicking about it and burning myself and just...
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I think the vertigo might have just been from stress, but it made the drive home pretty difficult.
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And now I'm just scared
Bastian
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I just feel fucking terrified about everything right now.
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About my physical and mental health, about my safety, about my life in general.
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It's almost May, and May is a really hard month for me because of a lot of stuff: mother's day, old wedding and relationship anniversaries, traumatic stuff, just like. It's a weird month.
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And last year was better, because I had something I had looked forward to for months happening in May, but this year it's going to be harder.
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And I'm just.
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Already worrying about it, in a way that I know I need to not.
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But I'm so scared and panicky and stressed out and just...
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I didn't need to be threatened and harassed and bothered when I was just trying to do my fucking job and go home.
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And just trying to make it through the day, make it through the night, make it through the week, the month, whatever.
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I don't know how I'm going to make it, when everything just gets harder instead of easier.
Puliway
judgey little old lady and creepo in the parking lot can fuck right off
judgey little old lady and creepo in the parking lot can fuck right off
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I want to scream FUCK YOU I AM A PERSON TOO
Puliway
and produce manager continues to be my fav of leca's coworkers
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but it sounds so fake
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LOL PRODUCE MANAGER FED ME TOMATOES TODAY TOO
Puliway
produce manager so good, so pure
Bing Bong
<3 just take one day at a time. future is gonna come no matter if you worry about it more or not. all you need to do is make it through the day, or the hour
Puliway
a nourishing and respectable ally
Puliway
I'm glad you made it home safe
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this is funny to me because he's actually like a reformed drug dealer who has lots of old fighting injuries and tells a lot of dirty jokes
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but he is very nice to me!
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Bing Bong
: I'll try to keep that in mind.
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My brain just does this thing where one bad/scary/triggering thing happens, and then my brain decides to REMIND ME OF ALL THE BAD/SCARY/UPSETTING THINGS.
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So I start panicking about one thing and then I'm panicking about ALL THE THINGS, past, present, and future.
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I started out today trying hard to be positive, and like
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doing gratitude stuff! and meditating! and yay all good things!
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But it's just so easy to completely knock me over.
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I need to get clean and eat something.
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/flops about
Puliway
/sprinkles you gently with cinnamon sugar
Bing Bong
<3 I think a lot about that scene in Kimmy Schmidt where she says, "most people can stand almost anything for ten seconds" and when she gets to 10 she just starts again from 1
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Bing Bong
: oooh, I like that!
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Puliway
: CINNAMON SUGAR YAY!
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thanks for listening to my flailing and offering support, folks <3
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I managed getting clean and getting food, and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning
sparky ⚡
You are not wrong. You are perfect in your imperfections. You are not hurting anyone.
sparky ⚡
I’m so angry I could spit.
sparky ⚡
I don’t want to say the bad guys don’t win in the end; that’s disingenuous, but I do believe that progress always marches forward and swings of regression never seem to be able to totally undo the progress that was made last time.
sparky ⚡
It’s reactionary outlash, which doesn’t make it any less bullshit. They feel empowered in their hateful shit and it makes them feel big and strong to be violent douchenozzles.
sparky ⚡
I hope that you get some rest.
sparky ⚡
andI hope this jerk’s dick gets caught in a mousetrap
HIKIKOMORTIS
I want to wrap you in a protective shell and snarl at anyone who upsets you. I want to hug your produce manager for being a good human and helping you.
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Thank you.
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I can't control them though, so I'm just working on responding to this type of thing better.
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But last night, even though I was upset and flailed on plurk, I came home and ate my food and got my shower and listened to a guided meditation until I fell asleep, and didn't hurt myself or break anything!
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papermint tiger
i'm so glad you had a good night after all the bullshit