skerple
[mental... health...]
skerple
I am Exhausted
skerple
I have no go left in me. i have emptied my supplies of go.
skerple
i don't even feel emotionally BAD right now, just...... dead
skerple
it's actually kind of interesting in a way to be able to detachedly study the heaviness of my limbs, the dullness of my thoughts and feelings, the overwhelming impulse to crawl into a hole and hibernate
skerple
and be like, hm, yep, this is depression
skerple
this is not Being Real Sad, this is in fact depression in the medical sense
skerple
but it's kind of miserable and I would like to stop now
skerple
i keep remembering what
云深不吃素
says about depression, how it's likely an adaptive evolved response to resource scarcity and uncontrollable circumstances, which is actually really helpful because it gives me a "why" for this
skerple
because yeah the world sure is on fire, and on a personal level my life has been Extremely Disrupted for the past few weeks, just because of the total upheaval of routine to accomodate my mom's surgical recovery needs
skerple
which I think is honestly mmmmmost of what's depressing me, and that's a weird fuckin thing to try and fit my brain around, being depressed by something I'm happy about
skerple
(since the surgery was a good thing and went super well and she feels way better and we're all very confident this will help her long term)
skerple
but like, there it is.
skerple
it is a good thing but absolutely hella upheaval. also my mom is really stubborn and keeps trying to do shit, like walking around without support, that she has been explicitly medically forbidden to do yet
skerple
which frustrates the hell out of my dad, and my dad gets shouty when he's frustrated
skerple
and I! have nowhere to go! except my little PVC-and-curtains bedroom box that we have set up because of how crowded this house is and how the sleeping arrangements have to work for now!
skerple
I like the bed box but dear god
skerple
please can i just have, something, in my life resembling normalcy
skerple
the only thing I've been able to enjoy doing at all is monhun
skerple
but I'm behind on my schoolwork. which is because I had to drop everything to finish that commission. which is because I actually put that off for months.
skerple
I CERTAINLY have no drive or desire to RP, I can't even contemplate it
skerple
the thought of it brings me no pleasure
Hamlet 3.3.87
/patpat
skerple
I have to catch up on so much homework and all I want to do is escape into monhun
skerple
I would have been happy to stay at school and do homework yesterday EXCEPT I SPRAINED MY GOD DAMN ANKLE AND COULDN'T GET MYSELF TO CLASS! and dad couldn't leave mom at home to take me and couldn't bring her with because she was feeling sick that morning
skerple
so even my planned "okay! I'll catch up on everything at the library!" day didn't pan out and I'm so. tired.
skerple
okay. okay. I'm gonna do a couple of thing. the late assignment my web design instructor kindly gave me an extension on, and the thing that needs to be done by tomorrow.
skerple
but first I am going to fill my glass with ice water, and take my pills, and drink.
skerple
I DID get my invoice for the commission sent off, so that's done and dusted and should be processed on the 28th
skerple
hypemachine.
I may. need. to hiatus or even temp drop mikuo tho because. i don't know when RP will be back from the war
skerple
the guilt mounts every day that I am not playing him ._. I hate to let you AND KAIKO down
skerple
well I definitely just ended a sentence to one of my instructors with "I'm at my wits' end and very tired".
hypemachine.
honey it's ok :< do what you gotta
skerple
flops on sadly
云深不吃素
lt; 
lt;
云深不吃素
.... plurk no
云深不吃素
:< ?
云深不吃素
... 
skerple
jsdfhgj thanks plurk
skerple
anyway yes I am mindful of your wisdom in this time of fuck
skerple
it really does help to be able to say to myself "oh hey, I'm not uniquely bad at existing, this is a thing that makes sense to be happening to me"
云深不吃素
yeah it’s amazing how much that little bit of understanding can make a difference in getting back just a modicum of control
云深不吃素
IT’S WHAT GOT ME THROUGH COLLEGE
云深不吃素
anyway may your time of fuck pass soon
skerple
thank you 