Lesbian Manowar
[Cooking] I'mma teach you all how to make a perfect burger patty today, using any kind of meat/substance
Lesbian Manowar
I just had this convo with my transmom, whom was the head grillmaster of a local steakhouse for yeeaaars and then by chance, twitter asked
Lesbian Manowar
This will ensure flavorful and juicy patties every time
Lesbian Manowar
It's a skill that looks and seems so easy but was actually one of the hardest for me to master. Chili from scratch? Jerky in exotic flavors? Curry fried rice? A perfect fried egg? That shit's easy. A genuinely good burg? That's art.
Lesbian Manowar
You want to mix all the meat/stuff you'll be using together at once in a bowl, don't form patties and flavor them separately.
Lesbian Manowar
This may gross some of you out but it is essential you mix the meat/stuff and form the patties by hand. Not utensil or mixer or anything. Your own (hopefully clean) bare hands. This makes some of the biggest difference. You can really get stuff in there good if you can dig in with your fingers.
Lesbian Manowar
You must have at least one "wet" ingredient and use it about as evenly as the dry ones. Wet ingredients are sauces, juices, eggs, etc
Lesbian Manowar
I usually use worcestershire or steak sauce combined with a hot sauce, usually a thicker hot sauce like Melinda's brand (which is A+ sauce)
Lesbian Manowar
You want to cover the top part of your bowl of meat/stuff in a good layer of everything you'll be using. You can add more as needed but this is usually enough.
Lesbian Manowar
If your patties are too wet (won't stay formed even before cooking) then you can even it out by adding a layer of panko/bread crumbs.
Lesbian Manowar
Don't worry about shape or even size or any of that. Especially at first. It's all burg in the end.
Lesbian Manowar
Remember tho that patties plump up and get fatter than what they were formed as so plan for that vs bun size
speedstar
i'm SO FRIGGIN EXCITED to try this
Lesbian Manowar
And now, the fun part is
speedstar
gonna cover my burg in Egg And Several Garlics
Lesbian Manowar
You are absolutely encouraged to Get Creative with your mixings
Lesbian Manowar
Use fresh garlic/onion/tomato/etc instead of powders or such. Use cheese. Try those dry packaged soup mixes. Use some pineapple juice. Use whatever the goddamn hell sounds good
Lesbian Manowar
A friend of mine just gave me her husband's recipe that uses eggs and stuffing so it comes out like a thanksgiving loaf burger
Lesbian Manowar
Today I fried pork burgers in a simple mix of garlic, black pepper, teriyaki sauce, worcestershire, some of this melinda's sauce since I'm hawking it bigtime today this one's good and chunky, and this brand of seasoning mix my family considers a pantry essential we use it on everything
Lesbian Manowar
I wound up needing some panko to even it out but they came out perfectly juicy and taste like someone grilled teriyaki habaneros in garlic
Lesbian Manowar
I made mine a bbq sauce/tomato/onion/cheese/pickle/chili burger but you can still taste what I put in the meat
Lesbian Manowar
All because I mixed it all at once by hand in a bowl and formed by hand, that's it, that's the secret
Lesbian Manowar
Then fried at 375f for 4-5mins per side and it's that easy
Lesbian Manowar
So there you go, kids, that's the burg secret, passed down by a genuine grillmaster
Lesbian Manowar
After that all you need is practice
Lesbian Manowar
There are plenty of people here who have had my cooking so they can vouch I damn well know what I'm doing when it comes to food talk
Lesbian Manowar
I also won't bore you with an 8k word blog post about my perfect family life that has nothing to do with the food in question before handing you the recipe
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
atma did you ever see that one white bread blog post about elotes that was like NO I PROMISE THIS IS GOOD
Lesbian Manowar
you have to show me this
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
hang on lemme try and find it
Lesbian Manowar
I learned all my cooking from my transmom who's been a short order/line cook and grillmaster a lot in her life and also my grandmother who's transmom's mom, she grew up poor and had to hunt/fish/poach/grow/raise her own food mostly and go from scratch
Lesbian Manowar
combined you get a hell of a crash course on meals, ingredients, and even just "here's how to grow/raise the damn thing yourself we're going from farm to table"
Lesbian Manowar
we also eat low fat/low sodium in general here due to my birth mom being diabetic so we actually know how to season/flavor stuff without salt, I don't remember the last time I actually used any
ʀᴀɴɴɪ
So obvs Atma is trustworthy, but I can also 100% confirm the 'mix before forming' and 'use your hands' steps.
ʀᴀɴɴɪ
If you make 2 otherwise identical batches, but change just one of those steps, the difference is stark.
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
FUCKING FOUND IT
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
look at this white people nonsense
Lesbian Manowar
It is absolutely obvious, like, the only time I think I add flavoring to meat is basting a bit more sauce/marinade on as it grills but always ALWAYS flavor it before and mix/do it all at once and even if it's other kinds of meat or veggie chunks or whatnot, rub that seasoning/sauce/rub in by hand dammit
Lesbian Manowar
the fuck am i reading
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
White Person Discovers Ethnic Food And Has To Be Convinced Spices Won't Kill You
Lesbian Manowar
"fridge for the win" what sin did I commit this time
✶ 絶対嘘じゃない、愛してる
why is she so fucking shook at the idea of mayo on corn
✶ 絶対嘘じゃない、愛してる
lady have you ever had a fucking tuna salad once in your life
Lesbian Manowar
the worst thing is I've seen/read too much cooking bullshit to know this isn't fake
Lesbian Manowar
hell, my shitty teabagger confederate asshole great aunt and uncle think black pepper is too spicy
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
white people discovered elotes a few years ago and it showed up in my local county fairs en masse and i'm laughing b/c obviously i live in a primarily latino area so like??? everyone already knew what elotes was
Lesbian Manowar
i'm bookmarking this to remind myself if i ever doubt my own cooking that no, i'm fine
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
but then i discovered stuff like this and i was like "oh."
Lesbian Manowar
yeah same, you can't walk a block here without hitting 5 taquerias and 3 taco trucks that sell this kind of stuff
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
You mean there are people that mix burger meat with something other than squishing it with your hands... That.... Goes against EVERYTHING my 5 star chef of an older brother taught me about cooking
Lesbian Manowar
A lot of people I know are super squeamish about touching raw meat, esp stuff like ground meat and chicken, because cold/wet/what if it's c-contaminated
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
Though... at the time he taught me that, I thought it was because he didn't trust me with the mixer because I was like eight.
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
That's why you wash your hands after touching meat!
Lesbian Manowar
it's called wash your hands well with hot water and soap before, during, and after
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
you would be surprised at the amount of people who won't touch meat
Lesbian Manowar
esp during if you touch something else
Lesbian Manowar
I've yet to once either be contaminated or contaminate someone/something else
ғʟᴀᴍʙᴏʏᴀɴᴛ ᴏᴀғ
im bookmarking this thread for some burgin' powers
Lesbian Manowar
and I've had to do stuff like when my grandmother was teaching me how to cook, she got a whole duck and had me pluck it and lop the head off with a cleaver. that was one of my final tests
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
giggles I gross out the city folk I hang out with because I have no problem cleaning fish, they're all 'ew get it predone at the store' But noooo that ruins the fun of cooking good fresh fish.
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
pretty sure half of them have never gone fishing before in their life either
ғʟᴀᴍʙᴏʏᴀɴᴛ ᴏᴀғ
i hate handling raw chicken 4 lyfe, but i am perfectly fine with beef
Lesbian Manowar
maaaaan my gramma had me de-veining shrimp like almost immediately
Lesbian Manowar
she grew up at the start of ww2 as part of a poor ranching family with like 11 siblings do they did extensive hunting, fishing, poaching, raised their own livestock, grew their own produce/herbs, like by 10 she was already doing all this herself and shooting deer and pulling out organs
Lesbian Manowar
because if you didn't, you didn't eat
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
See that's something I still don't know how to do. We didn't eat a lot of shrimp as a kid. Lake trout yes. And I'm like Dad. I can't eat it with it looking at me. The head and guts were usually left for wild animals when we were camping
Lesbian Manowar
she's why I like such weird things and am willing to try anything once, I'm actually a big fan of end bits, offal, marrow, bone if I can chew it up
Lesbian Manowar
one of my favorite Japanese dishes is sake/hamachi kama, which is the neck meat/bone of a salmon or yellowtail
Lesbian Manowar
it's usually grilled with a lot of salt and lemon, it's super tender
Lesbian Manowar
it freaks my birth mom out super hard that i love me my fish necks
Lesbian Manowar
my grandmother and I don't live together anymore but she goes on vacation and buys me weird food as gifts now like, last time it was shark and alligator jerky
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
XD I freak out dad with my love of gator meat
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
aligator gumbo is so YUM
Lesbian Manowar
the shark was excellent and it was cajun style alligator she sent me
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
I don't care for shark that much. I'll eat it but yeah not my favorite.
Lesbian Manowar
I like how this is now just the "weird/amazing cooking" plurk
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
Though I've also eaten bear, whale, caribou, moose, beaver, squirrel, snake, bees, crickets and a few other bugs.
Lesbian Manowar
my big weird one for a while was scorpion
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
I was raised to try everything at least once. I haven't had scorpions yet...
Lesbian Manowar
They're mostly crunchy and absorb the flavor of whatever they're in
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
that's what I've heard.
Lesbian Manowar
My 3 food rules are basically nothing that'd trigger my food allergies, nothing still alive when I eat it, and no brains of any kind mostly because you can't cook prions out and those are a horrible way to die
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
See no known food allergies, I try to avoid anything still squirming, and don't try new foods while drunk
Lesbian Manowar
I can have like, most cheeses and chocolates but am otherwise horribly lactose intolerant AND beef shreds my stomach for some reason
єlŦ_๒๏๏tร
I shouldn't touch dairy slight reaction but dairy alternatives taste horrible to me. And I was raised on game meat, beef has no flavor to me
Bᴇᴀsᴛ。
holy shit what the fuck is this blog post
Lesbian Manowar
I prefer lamb for my red meat myself
Lesbian Manowar
it's fridge for the win
Bᴇᴀsᴛ。
like, i didn't know what elotes is b/c of my area and i'm just reeling at this post
Bᴇᴀsᴛ。
this is so cringey
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
i found it on someone's tumblr without a link a few weeks ago like "i can't tell if the worst part is calling elotes weird or the fact that they're acting like this is a new discovery"
🦈sᴏ sʜᴀʀᴋ
which, like, hard same
Cat Herder
is it possible to cut off the stinger and just boil the scorpion like a lobster?
Lesbian Manowar
i dunno, i've only ever had really small ones
Lesbian Manowar
but there's just like, no substance to them
Lesbian Manowar
it's mostly shell
Cat Herder
crud, ok
Lesbian Manowar
it's mostly just one of those things you eat so you can like, one up people
Lesbian Manowar
and be like oh yeah well once i ate a scorpion
生霊
sometimes I see enormous wolf spiders around here and they don't even look like they have an exoskeleton, they just look like musclebeasts that could take on the cats
生霊
and half the time it's like "pls don't walk on my face when I sleep" and the other half it's like "I bet you taste real good boiled up with some melted butter"
生霊
I'm 1/4 Cajun, if it's not obvious
生霊
(it usually isn't, but I'll eat damn near anything once)