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went to therapy today and it was nice but also sad
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I talked about how hard my week was at work since I wasn't eating, it was busy basically every single day and I had to deal with multiple people yelling at me
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got to talk about how much my intrusive thoughts are just.. emotionally draining me lol
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I think the only person I know who suffers from this is andie?? she commented once on a plurk I made about it
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but yeah
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I just explained how hard it is to have to think these awful, violent and disturbing things 24/7
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and it's even worse since my job requires me to interact with people constantly
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I just wish that one day I won't look at someone/my friends/my mother and think, "I should stab you in the throat and see what happens."
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they're only thoughts, no urges to actually act on them
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but it's still really fucking hard to think these things and know that you're thinking them
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if that makes any sense
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we also talked about chester
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which made me cry really bad
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she said I was her second client to bring it up to her. this one guy she sees said that he had to take the following day off from work because he just couldn't deal/process what happened.
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I finally worked up courage to listen to them and
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I don't know I've said this on twitter already but it still doesn't feel real to me
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I still can't wrap my head around him being gone
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I told my therapist about the fact that he was sexually abused as a child, struggled with addiction, battled depression and only recently lost his friend chris (from soundgarden)
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and it's weird because like
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we have shared experiences, even though I wasn't aware of certain things until much later into their career
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so I talked about how I really felt a connection to him, music aside
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and man... this hurts so fucking bad
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I said this on dany's plurk the other day, but I straight up would not be who I am today without linkin park or chester
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they were my formative years when it came to music
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I would not have gotten into rock, progressive metal, hardcore, post-hardcore, punk, ska and indie without them
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I grew up in the Caribbean, so the focus of the music played there was reggae, reggaeton, soca, jamband, R&B, rap and hip-hop
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the first album I ever heard by them was meteora, first song was breaking the habit
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it played on MTV every single day and I remember when I was at home visiting my father during summer I would basically sleep until breaking the habit came on lmao
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the tv would be left on MTV and from the first few seconds of the song I would wake up just so I could watch the video and sing along
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when I went back to my mother I made my sister buy me the CD
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I got my first CD player to listen to it
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it was so cool to me
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it still is
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I still think meteora is one of the most perfect albums I've ever heard in my 24 years of being alive
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meteora changed everything for me
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it is one of the most important albums to me
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I know it's like, "there are other band members too!" I totally get that
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but for me, aside from mikey, chester's voice is who I was hearing most of the time
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I listened to him
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mikey's still here but chester's gone
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I don't know
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I'm having a really hard time explaining myself
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I remember when I got to high school and later into the hardcore scene
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everyone thought it was funny to crack jokes about linkin park and I'd just be like "lol fuck you I love them, they're a good band"
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I think they got unfairly lumped in with bands like idk nickelback and limp bizkit or whatever
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which fucking sucks because linkin park are so much better than them. they just happened to occupy the somewhat same genres around the same decade (early 2000s)
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side note, I'm listening to meteora at the moment and like this was the first time I was exposed to an album that had that continual transition? like the way each song seamlessly fades into the next? so fucking well done
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I'll never forget when they did the collaboration with jay z
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how fucking cool was that? how fucking rad was that album?
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I just can't believe I'm never going to see him again
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I'm never going to see new videos of him performing live, new interviews, new songs, new videos
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I'm so unbelievably sad
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he meant so much to me
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his voice was so unique
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honestly people can fight me on this but he made that scream-sing thing popular, like mainstream popular in a way that was different
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he was such a good person
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I'm so sad that he felt like he just couldn't continue living anymore
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I'm so sad that he was in so much pain
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he never deserved to be.. no one does really
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I will always miss him, every single day of my life. I owe so much to him.
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he got me through my younger teenage years and I loved him for that later on
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):
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I love chester and I'm just.. I don't know I'm relieved that he's not in pain anymore
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he's at peace and I guess that's all I can ask and hope for right now
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bleh.. gonna go watch some game grumps and jesse cox stuff to cheer up
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ah
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wait
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just remembered something
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I went on a road trip once with this girl who I called my best friend
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on the way back home we had so much fun for various reasons
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but at one point, maybe an hour and a half out from getting back to my apartment, I put on meteora and we sang the entire album at the top of our lungs
🔥ғɪʀᴇ ғɪsᴛ ᴀᴄᴇ🔥
I'm glad therapy let you talk about all the things you needed to talk about baby
I'm glad therapy let you talk about all the things you needed to talk about baby
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and it was just such a good moment
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danybel: thank you dany 
🔥ғɪʀᴇ ғɪsᴛ ᴀᴄᴇ🔥
I hope you feel better too 
ushiwaka’s wife
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just listened to leave out all the rest and i wasn't ready
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I thought I could handle it but I was wrong
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hysterically sobbing in my room now
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I love this song so much and like.. I loved it even more because the video was inspired by one of my favourite movies ever
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but this song hurts so much more now
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god I hope you're at peace now chester, I really do... rest easy
Lassarina
Meteora is such a good album
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it really and truly is ):