[personal/bad brains] I think I'm realizing that maybe my self esteem isn't what I thought.

So. Personally I like myself. I think I'm an ok person. Not the cream if the crop by any means, but a good and decent person. I'd hang out with me

But

I tend to think I don't matter at all to anyone (except maybe my mom)

(and ang)

But I feel like I'm easily forgotten or replaceable.

Like. Ok. Here's what triggered this thought spiral

I worked all day. Eleven hours. Big feast was planned at my house for the Tales party happening today, with the knowledge that I would be home for dinner

(I'm not even talking about not being part of said Tales party. I'm mostly fine with it as I and partner have our own play through going.

But my brain sometimes likes to torture me and tell me I was deliberately excluded because people don't want to have me in the party. Or that I just don't matter enough to anyone to be included.

The actual reason for me not being in that party is because lack of enough controllers. Though my masochistic brain then twists that and says "you matter so little that you can't even use either of the controllers in your own house because other people mean more than you"

And LOGICALLY I know this isn't the case. But my brain likes to beat me down. Even when I'm having a good day. Anyway.)

Back to dinner. Everyone in said party knew I'd be home for dinner and yet they didn't bother to save me any fries. (at least. I'm going on what partner has said. That there aren't any more fries without making more. I'm not home yet.)

Which makes me feel like...if I'm not there I'm just forgotten about

Out of sight out of mind thing

And...I know with my partner that isn't the case. But I don't know that with anyone else

And I know this is petty and such a molehill thing, not a mountain

But it's stupid little shit that my brain takes and twists

This is something my brain has always done

This and told me that the second I was out of the room people laugh at me

This might be why I tend to prefer the company of animals and am more comfortable around them

There is damn near nothing that they do that my brain can misconstrue

So thanks to music, a friend who's quickly becoming a good trusted friend, my partner, and my cat I'm feeling a lot better

Stupid bad brain. Ugh.