[rl ramblings]

this morning I realized that one of my major hangups is in dealing with how to spend my time

time is probably what I value most and I always resent wasting it

and all these years of school followed by work have taken most of my time away from me

so when I have free time all I want to do with it is spend it on myself and do something enjoyable

but that also means I shy away from expenditures of time that don't provide immediate enjoyment for me

since I've been using so much of my time like that already

so expending the time to improve myself feels so much like work that I avoid it, even when it would get me where I want eventually

...I don't know where or if I'm going with this anymore

I was just thinking this and feeling stressed and confused about how to throw the mental switch that will help solve this problem

and trying not to feel bitter about all the time I've lost due to following other people's expectations and my own failure to put my foot down with both myself and others

and feeling like my continued failure in this part of my life is inevitable

and in turn recognizing that me feeling like that isn't helping and is really just creating a self-fulfilling prophecy

MR SEPHIROTH : Zuko of all people being the one in that icon definitely put a smile on my face, so thanks for that moment of brightness

aw

I try not to think about the time I've spent on pursuits that were more other people's ideas as "wasted" or "lost." they're still part of my experiences,

and even negative experiences can help define you in contrast to them, I think. like, you know what you don't want and what you can't put up with

and it's brought you to this point where you're trying to do something about it