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also [mental health mute dissociative talk inside]
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holy shit i just realized how detached i feel from my body right now
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what the f
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i looked down at my arms and my brain couldnt process what i was looking at????????? what the actual f
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what the fffffffffffffuuuuukcckkkk
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this is the worst its been in a long time though ive never felt so weird about my body existing before these?? are my arms?????? what the
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what. what. what
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i dont know what to do about this. how do i......... stop............ ive read a thing that talks about focusing on sensory feelings but ????????????//??/
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i think im going to go make something to eat and maybe... that helps... i just. god. i dont have words for this okay
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my arms? are just
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they dont seem real... they look like alien arms... these arent mine
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im probably going to delete this later i just need a place to put. anything. i just.
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what.
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i know what happened. i took benadryl last night. jesus fuck
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its never done this before
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i had a cat lick the palm of my hand and then made a peanut butter sandwich with extra peanut butter for extra sensory
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
i get told to think of what i can hear, what i can see, what i can smell, what i can taste, doesnt always work for me though bec ause it depends on what kind of experience im having
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
if i'm detached from the world around me i cant process the stuff i see or hear
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
if i'm detached from myself i cant process what i can touch or taste
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yeah i was having a good bit of both. i think im starting to ground though? like it needs to be a bit more extreme sensory, like the rough cat tongue or the Super Peanut Butter
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the Super Peanut Butter is helping me also feel hungry which i think will help too. but good god it was a fucking Adventure making that sandwich
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i entirely forgot i took benadryl last night
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bread is so soft??
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
sometimes painting my nails helps for some odd reason
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that makes sense actually like... the focus on fine motor control as well as on your hands existing and the smell of the polish
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
yeah
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
it's usually my hands that give me the most trouble
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
i can sit there for ages looking at them like
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
????? i can make them move? with my brain? these are mine
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i need to like slow down on the chewing im just swallowing chunks of pb sandwich whole i just realized im doing that...
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yeah i??????? my arms. my arms looked legit like alien arms. i couldnt process. like i just. its so WEIRD.
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
lmao the last time i was really bad i thought of that thing that was like "fingers are just arms sprouting off your arms" and i legit had to sit down
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oh god. THOSE ARE THE WORST THOUGHTS
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
actually i nearly cried but couldnt seem to tap into that feeling enough to actually manage it
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i dont blame you ive had times where ive almost cried because of weird thoughts like that its like. its supposed to be a joke but when youre already feeling Detached then its like
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reinforcing that EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS and its horrible
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
yeah things like that can fuck with you big time
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my arms look like arms now... small mercies...
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also i have peanut butter stuck to the back of the roof of my mouth. this is the weirdest thing to help
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
lmao yeah i find its always strange things that help, doing something you'd normally do just reinforces the whole robotic sort of feeling
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yeah exactly
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i have to like super slow myself down and focus on what i'm actually doing bc otherwise im just going through the motions
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so im like taking a drink and telling myself "soda is fizzy and has tiny bubbles that go pop on the tongue"
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
listening to a sing you've never heard before might help? like if you have to focus on the words and tune
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ooooooooooh this is a good idea
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
also one of my therapists said to make a "happy box", it was more intended to stop negative thoughts and tendencies but it has stuff like, things that smell nice, things with different textures
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
i have a sparkly white rock in there, which is one of my faves
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okay apparently i need a singer that i already know because i keep being really distracted by how weird an unfamiliar person's face is or how someone's voice doesn't match with what my brain expects they look
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OH MAN i used to have a bunch of stuff like that i carried around with me i need to find out where all of it went
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i had this rock that came from a river and it had a groove in it that perfectly fit my thumb. it was so smooth and nice
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
oooooh
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
i still have that one rock i posted on here like "wtf is wrong with this"
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
with the weird bumps
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SEND MY LOVE - Adele - Patty Cake cover - KHS, Sam T...
this is helping /stares at their hands
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fist clench. i have a concept of time now
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i estimated its been about half an hour since i made this plurk and i was right
𝒶𝓃𝒸𝒾𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝑜𝓃𝑒.
excellent
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i'm still feeling fucking Weird but i think i'm just going to until this benadryl gets out of my system. i didnt even take that much
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but i'm not like. nearly as bad as i was
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i'm just going to have to keep an eye on myself for today now that i know that's a thing
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now i'm using fruit ninja to practice focus + motor skills + sensory details like sound