small letter
also [mental health mute dissociative talk inside]
small letter
holy shit i just realized how detached i feel from my body right now
small letter
what the f
small letter
i looked down at my arms and my brain couldnt process what i was looking at????????? what the actual f
small letter
what the fffffffffffffuuuuukcckkkk
small letter
this is the worst its been in a long time though ive never felt so weird about my body existing before these?? are my arms?????? what the
small letter
what. what. what
small letter
i dont know what to do about this. how do i......... stop............ ive read a thing that talks about focusing on sensory feelings but ????????????//??/
small letter
i think im going to go make something to eat and maybe... that helps... i just. god. i dont have words for this okay
small letter
my arms? are just
small letter
they dont seem real... they look like alien arms... these arent mine
small letter
im probably going to delete this later i just need a place to put. anything. i just.
small letter
what.
small letter
i know what happened. i took benadryl last night. jesus fuck
small letter
its never done this before
small letter
i had a cat lick the palm of my hand and then made a peanut butter sandwich with extra peanut butter for extra sensory
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
i get told to think of what i can hear, what i can see, what i can smell, what i can taste, doesnt always work for me though bec ause it depends on what kind of experience im having
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
if i'm detached from the world around me i cant process the stuff i see or hear
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
if i'm detached from myself i cant process what i can touch or taste
small letter
yeah i was having a good bit of both. i think im starting to ground though? like it needs to be a bit more extreme sensory, like the rough cat tongue or the Super Peanut Butter
small letter
the Super Peanut Butter is helping me also feel hungry which i think will help too. but good god it was a fucking Adventure making that sandwich
small letter
i entirely forgot i took benadryl last night
small letter
bread is so soft??
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
sometimes painting my nails helps for some odd reason
small letter
that makes sense actually like... the focus on fine motor control as well as on your hands existing and the smell of the polish
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
yeah
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
it's usually my hands that give me the most trouble
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
i can sit there for ages looking at them like
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
????? i can make them move? with my brain? these are mine
small letter
i need to like slow down on the chewing im just swallowing chunks of pb sandwich whole i just realized im doing that...
small letter
yeah i??????? my arms. my arms looked legit like alien arms. i couldnt process. like i just. its so WEIRD.
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
lmao the last time i was really bad i thought of that thing that was like "fingers are just arms sprouting off your arms" and i legit had to sit down
small letter
oh god. THOSE ARE THE WORST THOUGHTS
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
actually i nearly cried but couldnt seem to tap into that feeling enough to actually manage it
small letter
i dont blame you ive had times where ive almost cried because of weird thoughts like that its like. its supposed to be a joke but when youre already feeling Detached then its like
small letter
reinforcing that EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS and its horrible
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
yeah things like that can fuck with you big time
small letter
my arms look like arms now... small mercies...
small letter
also i have peanut butter stuck to the back of the roof of my mouth. this is the weirdest thing to help
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
lmao yeah i find its always strange things that help, doing something you'd normally do just reinforces the whole robotic sort of feeling
small letter
yeah exactly
small letter
i have to like super slow myself down and focus on what i'm actually doing bc otherwise im just going through the motions
small letter
so im like taking a drink and telling myself "soda is fizzy and has tiny bubbles that go pop on the tongue"
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
listening to a sing you've never heard before might help? like if you have to focus on the words and tune
small letter
ooooooooooh this is a good idea
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
also one of my therapists said to make a "happy box", it was more intended to stop negative thoughts and tendencies but it has stuff like, things that smell nice, things with different textures
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
i have a sparkly white rock in there, which is one of my faves
small letter
okay apparently i need a singer that i already know because i keep being really distracted by how weird an unfamiliar person's face is or how someone's voice doesn't match with what my brain expects they look
small letter
OH MAN i used to have a bunch of stuff like that i carried around with me i need to find out where all of it went
small letter
i had this rock that came from a river and it had a groove in it that perfectly fit my thumb. it was so smooth and nice
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
oooooh
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
i still have that one rock i posted on here like "wtf is wrong with this"
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
with the weird bumps
small letter
SEND MY LOVE - Adele - Patty Cake cover - KHS, Sam T...
this is helping /stares at their hands
small letter
fist clench. i have a concept of time now
small letter
i estimated its been about half an hour since i made this plurk and i was right
𝒽𝓎𝓉𝒽𝓁𝑜𝒹𝒶𝑒𝓊𝓈.
excellent
small letter
i'm still feeling fucking Weird but i think i'm just going to until this benadryl gets out of my system. i didnt even take that much
small letter
but i'm not like. nearly as bad as i was
small letter
i'm just going to have to keep an eye on myself for today now that i know that's a thing
small letter
now i'm using fruit ninja to practice focus + motor skills + sensory details like sound