[mute] just musings on like. wtf is going on... with my spurts of motivation
small letter
[mute] just musings on like. wtf is going on... with my spurts of motivation
[mute] just musings on like. wtf is going on... with my spurts of motivation
small letter
i just mentally made the comparison to, like. running
small letter
in the sense of like. maybe for me its all
small letter
sure used to run a lot, used to have good endurance for it
small letter
but then some stuff happened and it hurt the fun for a while, and i had to take a long break
small letter
and now im getting back into it and im excited but i cant run as much as i used to all at once
small letter
but i keep trying to run as long as i did then
small letter
so i pushpushpush until i hit exhaustion point
small letter
and then i lay facefirst on the floor for a while
small letter
and then do it over again
small letter
this metaphor probably doesnt actually work when applied, and im just trying to make sense of something im not gonna be able to make sense of, but who knows.......... maybe im onto something......
small letter
yeah, like. i think pacing myself is something i need to figure out how to do
small letter
it used to be Effortless but now its like... i run out of energy so fast
small letter
i do :[ im excited about all the things im doing but its like
small letter
i poop out
small letter
i agree. and shortly after it happened i tried really hard to not let it get to me, and to not fall off the bicycle, but i think i just wore myself into the ground instead
small letter
small letter
like right now i just feel Tired and i cant muster up the energy to do the things i know i want to. which................ sucks. and is a little scary because thats how i felt when i was burnt completely out
small letter
and didnt want to admit it
small letter
but i know from experience that im doing this motivation wild swing thing
small letter
its almost a predictable cycle
small letter
where im SUPER ON TOP OF THINGS, GET THINGS STARTED, GET THINGS ORGANIZED, GO GO GO and then on the follow-through i start to chill, and then i burn out, and freak out, and hide
small letter
and then out of nowhere im like NOPE DONE HIDING LETS DO STUFF
small letter
i can recognize it but i have no idea wtf to do with it
small letter
i think i need to slow down on my planning when i get out of hiding
small letter
and see how that works out
small letter
... honestly the learned nervousness makes sense with this timing (thought struck me as I got in bed)
small letter
Because I was literally punished for being active :/
small letter
And for being excited
small letter
And for wanting to influence things
small letter
And when I did these things, I was brushed off and treated like shit behind my back
small letter
So it's no wonder my brain is turning to these stupid paranoid thoughts. It's not just anxiety, it's learned
small letter
now I'm mad all over again
now I'm mad all over again
small letter
Note to self stop buying into your own "nah I'm cool" kool aid and remember u sensitive and things do get 2 u
protect escher
pharadyne
small letter
coming back to this bc i continue thinking back to it
small letter
wow its refreshing being mad........... on my own behalf....... for once
small letter
what a weird experience
small letter
but honestly though. why did i think........... that i wasnt being affected. it would be really nice if i wouldnt have delayed emotional reactions to things
small letter
or if i was.............. not..... thick when it came to myself.......
small letter
its really annoying......... i couldve been trying to do something about this before
small letter
the more i think about this the more it makes sense and i'm just
small letter
i wasn't there very long
small letter
jesus christ
small letter
its seriously some bullshit that now when i start having fun i start to think im doing something wrong and no one wants me to do the things im doing
pharadyne
I understand this feel. But for me it's plotting instead of tagging. I used to plot lots and I feel like I have to unlearn a fear of
pharadyne
plotting.
small letter
eeeexactly... 
small letter
like, i was talking about it and. it genuinely makes my cycle make sense
small letter
because the more fun i'm having, suddenly i'm tagging less
small letter
and that's when my paranoid thoughts start, and normally my anxiety isn't paranoid at all
small letter
small letter
and we all got them from the same fucking place
small letter
... or at least part of them, i know part of yours amanda comes from something else too
small letter
just. i just
small letter
small letter
yep
small letter
agreed
small letter
and like. i hate that it was with elle, too
small letter
because it adds another layer of nervousness
small letter
i was told i wasnt tagging out enough even though i had threaded with 90% of the players at that point, because it was more like i was tagging certain people they didnt want me to tag
small letter
asking questions about the setting and plots were seriously discouraged
small letter
trying to goof around with them in plurks received p/a shit
small letter
and when we tried to do something they didnt like, they got especially p/a to me and started treating my friend like shit behind my back trying to use me as leverage and ultimately drove us out
small letter
like. i just
small letter
no wonder my kneejerk instinct, once i start being active and having fun, i start feeling like i'm doing something wrong and people secretly don't like me and then i want to hide
small letter
sometimes i want to do my fun threads anyway so i feel like i sneak out to tag them
small letter
but this last time i havent been able to do that because the fight-or-flight danger sense has been too strong. for no reason at all.
small letter
yyyyyyyyy
small letter
bc of the pervading sense that theyre gonna get, like. and its not even so much "torn apart" as like
small letter
used to make you feel stupid
small letter
y e s
small letter
or anything that they want you to want
small letter
(we were there in the time before babies. its so weird to think about)
small letter
e x a c t l y
small letter
literally punished for having fun with my friends :')
small letter
probably, tbh
small letter
stop having cr they dont want you to have!!!
small letter
its so scary now to have my characters do things that they would actually do
small letter
small letter
And Yet