strangestquiet
Thursday morning navel gazing
strangestquiet
My sister is staying overnight and ahhhhh
strangestquiet
We never got along growing up. Of course we grew out of it, but we're not close and probably never will be
strangestquiet
But I can say the same for all of my family. Like... I'm semi-close with my parents and that's about it
strangestquiet
I just never got the hang of whatever social roles I was supposed to learn. I'm bad at guessing how others feel
strangestquiet
So to make up for it I show my affection for people by doing whatever they ask of me, and that carried into my adult life
strangestquiet
Like I can't anticipate what you want, but as soon as you ask I'll do it
strangestquiet
Anyway, but that's not really enough I guess. I just feel fundamentally separate from my family and it's weird
strangestquiet
Like I never fit in (?!?!) which makes me uncomfortable, which just makes me isolate myself more
strangestquiet
Permanent supporting character in my own life
strangestquiet
And then I feel guilty because my family is actually??? Great????? Like I love them but I feel like an outsider
strangestquiet
But idk if it started with them or if this is just a fixture of my personality. I just kind of. Haunt the edges of social groups
strangestquiet
Watching so I can learn how to act. But then people think I'm standoffish which is fair but I'm just perpetually nervous and trying to learn
strangestquiet
(I don't understand how to people, the rules keep changing, it's tuff)
strangestquiet
ANYWAY I'm not sad, just thinky. It helps to conceptualize this social distance and remember where it comes from
strangestquiet
So I don't internalize it and get caught up in thinking it makes me a terrible unlovable person
KrisRix
i understand this sooo much...! i hope your sister's stay is pleasant and not too stressful~