ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
[AU Hell] now let's translate pets into a canon AU why not (I blame Sarah and Plus)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
This one's easy. Everything's the same, except Talia's a pet person who uses some questionable science to somehow create a hybrid child for her and Bruce.
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Raises kiddo as assassin etc etc
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Same meeting except Bruce's son has a tail and ears and it shouldn't be possible but Talia played God very cleverly
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Damian's trait is that his posture and extra body language is almost always aggressive or defensive around others
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Yup
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
He'd be doubky frustrated that no one else would, or will, recognize him as Bruce's blood son
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Frosty kitten refuses to play, too. Except when Steph lures him to the bounce house and for the first time his ears actually turn up in interest
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Hugeass ears
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Also dave is a shitty teen what a rude. Beating up on poor, innocent babies???
UnlimBrainWorms
: |
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Kitten puncher
UnlimBrainWorms
Kitten *kicker
UnlimBrainWorms
Tell it right
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
If bro were watching he'd be so disappointed dave
UnlimBrainWorms
UnlimBrainWorms
I looked up but didn't watch Cat vs. Crow videos last night
UnlimBrainWorms
And I think the outcome of like, all of them
UnlimBrainWorms
that the rest of the crow's buddies came out of nowhere and ruined the cat
UnlimBrainWorms
So at least Bro having to come avenge him is in keeping with their species
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Laughs gotta call in big bro to beat up a ten yr old
UnlimBrainWorms
But like what if
UnlimBrainWorms
Damian drags Dave to Junko
UnlimBrainWorms
Junko is like ummmmm it's the thought that counts but like
UnlimBrainWorms
(Tries to have a talk with the poor kitten)
UnlimBrainWorms
And then calls her weird cop dad
UnlimBrainWorms
And Bro has to go pick up Dave from weird cop dad
UnlimBrainWorms
(I can see what's happening (what) and they don't have a clue (who))
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
yes i find this acceptable
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(our trio's down to-- wait)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
imagine, damian's been bringing junko presents of dead things while she's at dick's
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
because obviously he's not feeding her right, can't be trusted
UnlimBrainWorms
Angry bird Bro and bizarrely friendly cop man
UnlimBrainWorms
fjkdhg god
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
drags this poor scrawny teenager and drops him at the front door super proud like
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
i am the best
UnlimBrainWorms
Dave is like dude that is not how you give presents to a girl
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
shows how much you know
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
((uncultured swine))
UnlimBrainWorms
Cawing jeer
UnlimBrainWorms
Starts bringing Junko shiny things
UnlimBrainWorms
Raps at her window
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
ears just flattened, swipes at him like knock that racket off!!
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(what are you even doing)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(did your brain get rattled)
UnlimBrainWorms
It's fucking showmanship you mouthy turd knock it off with hitting him
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
it's noise and trash you fool (he'll hit you all he wants)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(because he's king and you're not)
UnlimBrainWorms
no cultural appreciation, none
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
glowers
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
reaches out and slaps some of the more breakable shinies off the ledge and to the ground
UnlimBrainWorms
B (
plus
you pick up one sick little fox and suddenly you're weird cop dad and there's ten thousand other animals swarming your apartment stop children
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
i'm laugh damian just keeps dragging new people to dick's door
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
for junko
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
and then vanishes whenever dick comes back around
plus
you caN'T DRAG PEOPLE FOR PRESENTS
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
it's like a round robin of "which critter today?"
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
look he's getting better at hunting, junko
plus
one day
plus
he will catch you
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
i'm laugh if one day he picks a fight with the wrong person and cops actually get called
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
ends up in detainment for animal control to pick up and
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
people scratching their heads like
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
"that's a leopard."
plus
dick is already so exasperated
plus
yep that sure is a leopard
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
a little leopard. huddled in his corner and panting from stress and glaring at every single person in view. (jesus no they're not touching that, just wait until animal control gets here)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(very shrill objection those big ears catch everything)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(CONTROL? I REFUSE)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(JUST TRY)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(I'LL KILL YOU)s
plus
long sigh dick just parks himself in front of his little holdy cell t try and explain
plus
look he doesn't wanna call animal control either but they can't let you go around attacking people....!
UnlimBrainWorms
Somewhere outside there's a suspicious cawlike coughing noise that coincidentally also sounds like "do it lol"
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
shut up idiot bird!! (he hears ur stupid cawing, dave)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
he'll attack who he wants, it's his right
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(they're in his territory they get attacked end of story)
plus
how does he reason with a wild leopard kitten before animal control gets here
plus
this wasn't in his training
UnlimBrainWorms
Jailbreak him and foist him on Bro
plus
he's a responsible human being he wouldn't foist another child on bro
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
dfaksj imagine animal control getting there and tryina coax him out of the cell
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
okay kitten they're going to take you to the big cat sanctuary over in florida, c'mon--
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(kiddo hissing and spitting up a storm but as soon as they say florida he's darting past them and trying to claw his way up to dick's shoulder)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(lots of unhappy noises but somewhere in there is hiccuping about if he stays here his mother will find him he can't leave)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Oh no)
plus
dick sweatin bullets for a minute cause h a h a can't let them take junko's hissy friend away and suddenly there's a cat on his shoulder what happened
plus
uh well. Maybe he can convince them to let you stay if you. Stop attacking people????
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
immediate complaint against that too (he's!! apex!! predator!!)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
animal control be like heeee really needs to be relocated to a sanctuary, there isn't even a permit for most people to own one of these--
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(NO ONE OWNS HIM)
plus
stares at the animal control guys yeah he's sure a snow leopard will do great in florida. Yeah u got it.
plus
he's a cop he knows the law ty
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
whoop there he goes puffing up and kicking at dick's stomach with his foot (clouded leopard you ignorant fool--)
plus
he's betting this kid was brought over illegally from the looks of it this is officially a police matter that requires investigation
(get outta his precinct)
plus
(OW??)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
dick's coworkers probs be like "??? w h a t are you doing no give the cat over to them--"
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
damian just glowering at everything and claws have left holes in dick's shirt what an unhappy camper
plus
Adamantly ignores coworkers' protests
plus
And thats why he will never get a promotion
UnlimBrainWorms
Dick is Too Good a guy
plus
the biggest good two shoes
plus
ends up taking damian home for uh
protective custody or something
(is he completely bullshitting??? yes but guess now he has a smuggling case to work)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
i'mma laugh damian gonna both make himself at home climbing shit but whenever dick steps into his line of direction just goes aaaaround (widest berth)
plus
good luck damian there ain't THAT much space in his apartment
plus
a perimeter for junko a perimeter for damian so like a square foot of his own apartment to himself
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Keeps tryina escape. Waits for him to open door and darts for freedom
UnlimBrainWorms
(mr grayson please for the love of all that is holy in this world do not let that asshole child out )
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Stares at dave with nose pressed to window
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(Chitters)
UnlimBrainWorms
(officER GRAYSON )
plus
gently.... Reaches over and closes the blinds...........,.
plus
l o o k kiddo he is all for your independence etc etc but you gotta stop attacking the bird kid
and other people
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Unhappy grunt, reaches to open blinds again (what asshole gave cats thumbs??). His. Territory. also it's fun
UnlimBrainWorms
Bro is going to end you if you break any of his little brother's delicate birdy bones
plus
not. your territory!!!!
plus
this is pUBLIC PROPERTY
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
gonna chew dave's feathers and public property? //sneers (human rules)
plus
human rules u gotta live by unless you wanna get sent to one of those lame sanctuaries bucko
plus
(also he knows some guys and some strays around here that could kick your butt. not your territory)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(You see this tail? This pattern? He is higher up and will eat them)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Human rules are dumb
plus
dick gon get a squirt bottle s2g
UnlimBrainWorms
Bro will fight Damian as many times as the kid wants to try it tbh
plus
dont think anyone around here cares about your tail pattern kiddo
plus
(imagine dick being neighbors with the striders in this situation)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Oh god poor Dick)
plus
(weirdo bird neighbors climbing all over the building at weird hours and throwing shit out the window made rent really cheap)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Every time bro or dave walk out of their apartment he's there scratching the door and mrring
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(Eventually escapes to climb thru open window and am ushdave)
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
Ambush*
plus
(dick didn't even legally adopt u why is his life)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Why is this DAVE'S life he asked for none of this)
plus
(everyone regrets)
triska
i'm laughing at this entire everything and so would junko
plus
junko he hopes you appreciate the lengths he went to to save your dumb cat bro
triska
no she really does
she'll try to help with damian too after all that time she's reasonably convinced dick's not a bad human
UnlimBrainWorms
Junko please make him stop trying to eat me
triska
she will try
weird crow kid helped her not be so fucKIN BORED while locked up and sick during the winter at dick's place probably
plus
dick has to go next door like every other day "sorry damian keeps pouncing on ur kid"
UnlimBrainWorms
Oh man if there was a cute girl homestuck stuck at home sick you know he'd be at the window trading her movies and music and stuff
triska
that's so cute
UnlimBrainWorms
He's bored all the time too he gets it
triska
especially if she already knew him from a time dami dragged him to her while she was on the streets
hi again crow kid fancy meeting you here
plus
dick comes home one day and suddenly there is an extra child in his house
UnlimBrainWorms
Hdhdkhd so freaked out at first is the cat here is he gonna jump me
plus
what does he look like he runs a daycare
UnlimBrainWorms
Maybe
triska
he's not here right now but
he also doesn't like coming inside much so hey
groggily unlocks window
UnlimBrainWorms
I bet he didn't get her name the first time the cat dragged him in so introductions as he hops in and looks around at Dick's place and pokes at things
triska
just flopped on the couch watching him and occasionally giggle-coughing
UnlimBrainWorms
Dave goes home that day and "sneakily" tries to teach himself how to make soup or tea or something
plus
wow dont touch dick's stuff
UnlimBrainWorms
Touches everything
UnlimBrainWorms
Can't be tamed
plus
EXCUSE U CHILD!!!!!
triska
hey what's the bedroom looks like she hasn't really left the couch
UnlimBrainWorms
Hold on he'll take pictures and bring 'em to you princess
UnlimBrainWorms
Opens drawers
UnlimBrainWorms
Examines closet
UnlimBrainWorms
Bounces on the bed
triska
oh sweet (princess???? wagwag)
UnlimBrainWorms
Returns with pics and also another pillow
plus
HEY HIS BEDROOM IS LOCKED STAY OUTTA OF HIS STUFF!!!
plus
STRIDER YOUR KID IS ALL UP IN HIS GRILL
UnlimBrainWorms
Kid BROTHER. Dave is his kid BROTHER.
UnlimBrainWorms
Also, YOUR "kid" tried to maul him to death that one time.
plus
not his kid not even his pet tyvm
triska
rolls onto new pillow ah yes this is the lap of luxury thanks man
plus
That doesnt mean your kid brother can nose around in his bedroom!!
UnlimBrainWorms
Bro doesn't tell Dave what to do he's like six hundred in bird years, that's an adult
plus
S T R I D E R
UnlimBrainWorms
Doesn't even look up from his computer
UnlimBrainWorms
Just is like casually
UnlimBrainWorms
"Dave stop being a shit"
UnlimBrainWorms
"If you feel like it"
UnlimBrainWorms
Dave is like ehhhhhhh
UnlimBrainWorms
ok
plus
AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(dave bothers the frick outta dick and damian bothers the frick outta bro there's a balance here. kiddo just lettin himself in and twisting around bro's feet while he's at the comp)
UnlimBrainWorms
Bro's actually totally fine with Damian except when the little man is pouncing on his kid brother
UnlimBrainWorms
He finds Damian's king of the jungle thing hilarious
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
i'm laugh dick probs gonna come over and just find kiddo curled up on bro's lap asleep and purring while he works and is like ??? HOW???
plus
he hates u strider
UnlimBrainWorms
Bro is just like
plus
UnlimBrainWorms
Also Bro is gonna get pretty interested in Damian's old life out in the wild
UnlimBrainWorms
he won't mind picking up Dami's training, though obviously it's gonna be with the urban jungle in mind
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
oh thank god this kid has endless amounts of energy when he's awake. needs the exercise and challenge for sure
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
teachin him to parkour
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
good little climber not so good at the jumping thing tho
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(just boasts anytime about his mother's compound and how there were no humans and how beautiful it was)
plus
hates strider slightly less
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(she was the queen and he was a prince)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Bro's going to find this compound, man)
UnlimBrainWorms
(He is so interested)
UnlimBrainWorms
Also Bro doesn't trust Dick either anyway. He's too nice. It's gotta be a ruse.
plus
why does everyone think he's secretly evil he's gettin real sick of this!!
UnlimBrainWorms
Dave is helpfully like "no bros kind of like that always"
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(bro finding the compound and getting into contact with talia tho.)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Right though)
UnlimBrainWorms
Talia'd be looking for Damian, wouldn't she
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
she would be. thing is they don't have any real connections to outside the compound so even if a report was filed she wouldn't know
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
and damian's too young to say where it is, just can describe it. an island. in the middle of water. there's a beach.
ᴛɪɴʏ ᴛɪᴍ
(ornate buildings and sunshine and a huge library)
UnlimBrainWorms
Bro is going to FIND IT
UnlimBrainWorms
And leopard boy's mom
plus
maybe. maybe one day bro will stop being a prick and dick will lend him a hand since he'd been investigating the smuggling ring that swiped him away
plus
(which dave would probably know since he was in dick's room t h a n k s )
UnlimBrainWorms
(Haha are you kidding, if Bro found that out he'd just swipe Dick's intel himself like the massive jerk that he is)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Though he would at least put it back where he found it after he made copies)
plus
(wow excuse just because he is a mild mannered cop doesn't mean he doesn't have security on his cases u fucker)
plus
(especially from his horrible neighbors X-( )
UnlimBrainWorms
(He will FIGURE OUT THE SECURITY AND HE WILL FIND THE MAGICAL FANTASY COMPOUND)
UnlimBrainWorms
(AND DAMIAN'S HOT MOM)
plus
(HE WOULD HELP YOU IF YOU ASKED LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Haha but he's not)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Llllllllllllllllolllllllllll)
plus
(THEN STAY OUTTA HIS HOUSE X-( X-( )
UnlimBrainWorms
(Nah)
UnlimBrainWorms
(He's picking up his kid brother)
plus
(he can and will arrest u)
UnlimBrainWorms
(If you arrest an illegal pet person do you even know what happens man)
UnlimBrainWorms
(He runs businesses)
UnlimBrainWorms
(You gonna do that to Dave)
plus
(he can make sure dave is safe and taken care of this isn't his first rodeo)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Can you.)
plus
(you're not the only one with sneaky methods and connections tyvm)
UnlimBrainWorms
(So you'll make him someone's pet.)
plus
(nah)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Yeah?)
plus
(mmmm naaaahhhhh)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Because he'd be a really shitty pet)
UnlimBrainWorms
Also Bro off-handedly one day offering some advice on a case Dick's working on
plus
squinting
plus
accepts the help but also stay out of his room strider gdi
UnlimBrainWorms
Shrugs
UnlimBrainWorms
(He finally does though because he got what he wanted ages ago)
plus
(congrats bro u probably found the pictures of starfire and know he was in love with a pet person once)
UnlimBrainWorms
(AWKWARDDDD)
UnlimBrainWorms
(She was totally hot though, your taste doesn't suck at least)
plus
(t h a n k s )
plus
(HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS WITH YOU WOW)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Like Bro would ever in a million years bring it up--okay actually yeah he might)
plus
(immediately turns bright red hE CAN'T HEAR YOU)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Bro is like this is so Chobits he can't even)
plus
(STOP??? SHE WASN'T EVEN HIS PET)
UnlimBrainWorms
(Dude were you having relations with someone else's pet)
plus
(NO)
plus
(SHE RAN AWAY)
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