moved!!
[mute, oh no eon is whining again]
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haha oh my god sorry to anyone who even clicks on this, your eyes do not deserve the amount of bullshit and self-indulgent whining that i am going to put here
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if you're still reading this i advise you to close it before it becomes apparent at how much a waste of time this going to be
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*this is, wow
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i probably can't english today, so yes there will be mistakes
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i just need to.... get my thoughts down
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... should have put this on private but whatever i am too fucking lazy
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anyway.... over the past few months, i've been getting a feeling
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this constant weird feeling that
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how do i say it
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i'm not doing well enough
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not about school, beacuse god i am failing school and also mental heath bullshit
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but it feels like, as a rper i am not doing enough
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i am not tagging out enough, i am not ic enough, i am not engaging enough
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whatever i write tends to fall off by the wayside or end after a few boomerangs
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i'm not putting out enough engaging and good ideas
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they're getting more and more superficial
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i've often feel that in games people all have pre-established cr and stuff
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that it's hard for me to break into their circle
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but now that i think about it, it's probably my own fault for not being engaging enough to make meaningful cr
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maybe it's even a muse problem. takakage is too... well. he seems quite 'standard' for a character
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he's not very unique and has quite a few tropes
Exacerangutan
//curls up with//
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and granted, my grasp of him has also probably deteriorated because of my own instability
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sorry friend
Exacerangutan
<3
moved!!
i'm going to keep talking
Exacerangutan
nothing to apologize for!
moved!!
to myself
Exacerangutan
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my grasp of japanese might have even fallen, seeing that there's a lot of contexual grammar and stuff that i haven't learned yet
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and the translations i have already done have not been checked, they might even be wrong.
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i should pick up a character who is more interesting than him, but i just can't seem to play anyone else. the motivation just isn't there
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i had flynn for a few months but he's finally died to
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and with sw4 english release coming out soon, there will be version differences and whether i can reconcile that also remains to be seen
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if it diverges too much past the 'plain english' problem, i might even have to just play off the japanese version and i have no idea whether that's even reliabe
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my interpretation of him seems very shaky at best
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it could be just my own lack of confidence but i'm not going to pin it on that
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it's better to worry than to rely on something that might be wrong
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Hun, my main comment on this is: you are putting too much thought into each interaction you do.
moved!!
well, too much better than too little
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
You have a habit of scripting out everything and putting expectation into every thread, when RP.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Actually, too much can be just as bad.
moved!!
it's gotten to the point where i can't differentiate whether it's the muse writing or it's me
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you've said quite a few times that i tend to project onto my characters
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and i really don't want it to happen again
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Yes, it is, and that is in part because you overthink it all.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
xD
moved!!
the thing with sw and especially takakage is that he doesn't have a lot of screen time so i've had to rely on a lot of historical material
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so in that sense my asusmptions may not even be canon at all. how then can i say that they are valid
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it feels like im' putting in lots of effort but... nothing just comes out
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Hun, you should play characters because you enjoy doing so. Do you enjoy playing Takakage?
moved!!
i post on memes and tag into mingles but in the end i only get like one or two tags
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so i'm wondering, is it jsut because he's an obscure canon, or is it something wrong with me?
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other people play sw and basara characters and get all those good cr and get so much out of it
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and then you have... me.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Eon, hun. Listen. Obscure canon is always going to be a thing for us musous. We don't get much out of memes.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Not unless we tag a lot of people.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Fact is, we have to put in more work in regards to tagging out to others. That;s just part of our canon, and something we have to work with.
moved!!
yeah, i know. but even in games this seems to be a problem.
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where games are supposed to give you oppoturnity for new cr and stuff.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
I meant for games too.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
xD
moved!!
i know this is probably part of the reason but i can't shake off the feeling that there's something wrong here.
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there's got to be something i can fix about this... but i don't know what it is.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Hun, again; you overthink. That is the major thing here.
moved!!
or maybe it's something i can't change.
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lies down
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
As I said, you plan way too much and put certain expectations into each post, thread, and the like...
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
You should do that some, but you do it... well, way too much?
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Else it doesn't come off so naturallty, and also puts stress on you.
moved!!
so... it's probably me. yeah.
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/sigh
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i'm pretty new to this place still, i'm not sure how it works.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
It's both, dear. Please listen. xD
moved!!
maybe i am expecting too much out of it
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sorry. yeah. i'll shut up for now
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
You get invested too much into each bit of tagging and posts you do. Thought is required but you need to relax more.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
I mean, let me tell you; you do many more PSLs than I do and have reached out to many more players. xD
moved!!
(i've only done three psls in my entire term but yeah... please go on)
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
I've played for so long now and have gotten used to being rather obscure. Its okay. You wo;'t get the same volume of tags as someone from a popular canon.
apple thief 🍎
I haven't known you long but I agree that you over think / overanalyze and that I think your perceptions are distorted by your anxiety.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
(MOre than me ROFL)
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
As someone with anxiety too, I agree with that as well.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
This is a hobby, for fun!
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
But you sometimes veer off that into treating it like something you are expected to do. That is the thing I'd say you need to work on.
moved!!
well... i guess i don't really know where to stop.
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/face in hands.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
If you are doing a tag or a post or anything RP related and you aren't enjoying it, stop.
moved!!
there's still a lot i have to work on, and i'm worried that if i try to focus on one thing i miss out on the rest.
Cherry
My two cents on the planning thing: overplanning in RP generally tends to restrict it more than structure it, because unlike fic writing, not all the variables are in your hands.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
^ this!
Cherry
You can't control what the other characters do.
apple thief 🍎
that is a thing that depression and anxiety do: they distort our perceptions and it can be very difficult to break free of negative, self attacking ways of thinking to see things
Cherry
And that, in turn, means you can't predict the impact the other character will have on yours.
moved!!
i know. so that's why i think i should make posts and write things that are engaging, so people can have fun tagging it.
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but it seems like my idea generation is quite limited.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
'Think I should'
Cherry
I've gone into threads absolutely sure the characters would get along really well, but in the end they were just ambivalent.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Rather than 'think I want to.'
moved!!
well, what i should do is what i want to do.
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how do i english.
apple thief 🍎
more objectively.
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thing is, i want to write something good but it ends up coming out as not so good.
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and i'm trying to find out why that is the case.
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if it's something wrong with my style then i can improve on it
Cherry
I don't know your specific situation, but in my experience it's best to just let things happen with only the barest expectations.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Then keep doing it. But if you don't get enough tags... tag out to other people's posts first and keep at it. And it may not prove fruitful all the time, y'know?
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Like Cherry said, don't go into it with heavy expectations.
moved!!
/face in hands.
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well, maybe i am trying too hard.
apple thief 🍎
oh my god plurk app is not updating replies as they come I am so sorry. 
moved!!
no i should be sorry for even putting this up
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
You are, Eon. xD Asking what's wrong is nothing to apologise for.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Just take on board what we've all said.
moved!!
apple thief 🍎
What? No. You don't need to be sorry for this. That's part of the distortion thing.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
You need to relax more and expect less. I know that's hard, I know personally that's hard, but I honestly think those two things would help you most.
moved!!
i'll go back and read all my writing again, maybe i'll find out something new.
apple thief 🍎
I just needed to reset the app, and now that I've done that, it's fine.
moved!!
i should be sorry, i.... expect a lot from myself.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Eon, I don't recommend going back and reading. Think fresh! 
apple thief 🍎
No, you shouldn't.
moved!!
i don't mind other people, it's just that i might not be particularly good enough to meet standards
moved!!
my own standards.
apple thief 🍎
It's fine to expect a lot from yourself but you also have to stop and consider if your standards are really reasonable.
moved!!
it feels like i'm not doing justice to him. and yes even though it's just... well, writing, i still somehow feel bad about it
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
The standards of those of us with depression and anxiety tends to be unreasonably high, dear.
moved!!
i kind of use this as a coping mechanism ;;
moved!!
sorry.
apple thief 🍎
Do you expect more from yourself than you expect from others? If so, then take a moment to stop and look at what you expect of yourself.
apple thief 🍎
No, it's ok. You don't need to apologize. You aren't inconveniencing us in any way, nor are you hurting us.
apple thief 🍎
There is nothing to be sorry for. I know you feel sorry and that you feel like you're doing something wrong, but you're not.
moved!!
;;
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
This is roleplay, dear. A hobby! <3
moved!!
moved!!
yeah.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
And we wouldn't be here talking to you if we didn't want to be. We're offering support as best we can.
moved!!
i...'ll go think on it tonight before bed.
apple thief 🍎
But yes - what Tyrael said. When you have depressed, what you expect of yourself tends to be distorted as well. ^^; I confess I'm guilty of the same thing. I look at myself and go 'why am I not doing more?'
moved!!
curfew is cutting in less than a minute, sorry
moved!!
thanks for all the advice everyone 
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
Try and be kind to yourself, okay? <3
apple thief 🍎
But that's part of what I see a therapist for - learning how to manage those distortions, and I have a book that I will recommend to you when I get home
moved!!
moved!!
oh no why is my emote broken
apple thief 🍎
that you might want to take a gander at as it has a lot of useful strategies for helping yourself to deal with misconceptions and whatnot.
moved!!
anyway yes... thanks guys
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<3
apple thief 🍎
<3 sleep well when you get there!
moved!!
i need to go off and attack that mosnter pile of homework that i'm slowly chewing through
moved!!
i'll see you all tomorrow in... seven hours.
ꜱᴛʀᴀᴛᴇɢɪꜱᴛ
<3!
time stranger
you also do the thing where you think you can/should control way more than is realistic and when things turn out badly you immediately think "what did i do wrong".
time stranger
that's a big huge mental trap that winds its way over your entire life if you let it and if you can conquer it you will be much happier.
time stranger
obscure canons always struggle to get bites because a lot of rp is wish-fulfillment with characters people already know. that's a fact, and it's not something you can change by working harder, and that's fine.
time stranger
there is no "should". rp is not an obligation, there is never any "should".
go тo вread
/hugs
time stranger
if something about rp is making you seriously distressed, then it's time to emotionally disengage until it's fun again.
Santastic
RP is meant to be pretendy fun times. If it's not fun, and starts to be a stress factor, then it is perhaps time to take a step back and just have a slight break.
Santastic
You place a lot of emphasis on 100% IC-ness. I used to do that too, until the day I realised it was killing my RP drive because I never felt that I was IC enough.
Santastic
It's ok to try to be IC! Just not to the extent that you comb through every thought and action with a 0.05mm comb.
Santastic
And like what Holo said, RP is not about what you 'should' be doing. 'Should' implies some kind of responsibility or obligation.
moved!!
Exacerangutan
//curls up with and pets soothingly//
moved!!
thank
Exacerangutan
I get pretty fussy about IC'ness, myself... but I've come to feel that canon is an awfully fluid and ill-defined thing, and it's more important that I'm true to my impression/understanding of the character.
Exacerangutan
At least, more important to me, anyway, for my own peace of mind.
Exacerangutan
So I'd agree, don't fuss too much about ultra-precision, and just try to find a happy medium where you feel like you're being honest, even if not every hair is in exactly the right place, so you can enjoy it.
moved!!
okay.