mom is definitely getting surgery. bowel obstruction. got told there's a 75% chance of complications.

this might be it. I don't know what I'm going to do.

she's lived through worse odds before, but...

God, she was barely coherent when I called before.

there's something up with her heart, too.

when the doctor at the hospital is saying she's really sick, well...

...I love her so much. and I abandoned her the last two months.

I had last night with her. she was mostly coherent. mostly happy. we laughed together. if she goes, I'll keep that in my heart.

but if she goes, I'll have to give latte back to the shelter. I...I can't care for her if I don't have a job.

it's the deadline. and like always, I procrastinated until it's too late.

well. at least I have a big suitcase to carry a few things in when I end up on the street.

I'm really sorry. Please try to remember to breathe. I know that this is really scary but it's important that you try not to spiral into worst case scenarios or dwell on what could or should have been done differently.

it's not worst case. it's just being realistic.

being realistic and aware are good. I'm hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your mother.

thank you. got off call with the surgeon. Basically her intestine got caught in a hernia. don't know if she'll make it given her everything. I can't even be there. I don't drive. the computer diagnosis basically went "30 days" for how long she has left.

it's over. I'm losing the person most important to me.

and then I won't have anything.

I'm so tired.