After my heart episode this morning, I reached out to my parents. Having three scares within three months, two of those just two days apart, I’m starting to wonder if there’s going to be one that I just don’t come back from, you know?

I don’t know. It felt like a last ditch effort for them to hear me. I had the tiniest hope that the situation would make them want to change.

But, I should have known better. My mother said, “there ain’t no way I’m going to no fucking shrink”. My father made it about him and how bad his health is - and said that it was just “those anxiety meds messing with your head”. Neither would accept any fault, I was just blowing things up.

Meanwhile, they told me that they would give me help IF they could come get me.

As in, pull me back in to the circle of abuse.

I was so desperate that I humored the idea, but only if they would agree to get themselves help. As in, go to therapy.

So, they said I was choosing to be homeless.

This is such a tricky spot to be in, because gaslighting is very real and something that I have a difficult time navigating through, especially when it comes to my family. Such a huge part of me just wants to pretend that I can go somewhere feel safe — to be like them, bury my head in the sand, and say that everything is fine.

The truth is, I would rather be dead than experience any of that abuse again. But I don’t have that choice, because I have to worry about two little creatures that I accepted responsibility for. I cannot put them on the street, but I wouldn’t have any reason to keep fighting if I gave them up. Would Apollo even live through that stress?

I don’t know what to do.

--Please note, I’m NOT posting this for pity, and I hope that comes through in what I’m sharing.

I’ve realized that keeping this all in has in the past had been like a cancer — and that we all need to share these experiences, so that other victims have the confidence to identify and escape their abusers. So that those fortunate enough to not be in those situations can identify them in people that need help.

The motel 6 that I reserved for the remainder of the week (because the other one was scurry) is across from a cemetery

And also across the street from a Walgreens and outdoor shopping mall with lots of food options... love

i can't say what I'd do in your situation, but from what you've said here it feels like the correct choice for multiple reasons. I'm sorry they're so unwilling to be supportive.

props for easy food access tho

Lmao I posted the update to the wrong plurk, oops

And thank you for the reassurance! I can’t imagine what life would be like if I went back to my family, really. I hate that I even had to consider it.